her hair was black and her eyes were blue

i find myself reciting shakespeare in the shower. my heart leaps whenever i catch a glimpse of london in a movie scene. i keep myself busy but when i'm free all i do is look at pictures, pictures, pictures with wistful longing. i listen to long division and cath and galway girl and fix you and mr. brightside on repeat and if i close my eyes, it's almost like i'm back in flat 8, nutella jar of wine in hand, ready for where the night will take us.

i miss it too much.

how can i move on if i'm still in love with you

this is both harder and easier than i thought it would be.

i miss london with more of me than i ever thought i could. i close my eyes and i see the south bank, the view from millenium bridge, the globe, the LC, kamen and minerva, farringdon grill, exmouth, everything. i woke up at cami's house the other morning and in the sleepy half-light i thought i was back in my room in flat 13. i've been busy busy busy with friends packing flights family eating beach family reading music family eating; but at times like this, when i have a moment to just breathe, all i can do is stare at facebook and listen to death cab and galway girl and think about what i left behind.

and it's not like i'm sad about going back, either. i'm more than excited to be back at notre dame, to not have to worry about cooking anymore and living with three of my best friends and being close to the people i love and seeing my abroad friends and reunions and JPW and all the usual ND stuff. i missed it, believe it or not. but the difference is that i'll be back to notre dame, at least for a year and a half (!!!) more. i'll never be back to london-- well, i'm sure i'll be back someday, but it won't be the same london, won't be the same people, won't be the same thing ever again. never ever. and maybe that's a good thing, because we lived it up so much for that very reason; but at the same time it's a terrible and awful thing because it's a little pocket of time that we can never do again, that we'll only get back reprocessed through pictures and memories and "hey, remember when..."s.

life splits the moment you are born and it never stops splitting, never, not until you die and all the loose ends are tied up and you are finally, blissfully happy, everything in its right place at the right time, all at once. but until then, you (or maybe it's just me) will always be missing something, no matter where you are or how hard you try. sometimes you just can't deny these things.

and i don't know where to look

the last reason to make this last for as long as i could
the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me
to look past everything i had ever learned


i am in such a weird state of mind. on one hand, i feel more like myself than i ever have; on the other, i am wondering who this girl really is. my heart lies in so many places and i'm getting them all muddled and mixed-up and i'm not really sure what to do.

now i'm trying to get back

sometimes i guess i say things that don't really matter that i don't really mean. i don't want everyone to worry about me; everyone has their rough spots. i'll make it through okay.

we're past the halfway point. i came here scared to get lost in london; now i'm afraid that i'll be lost without london. what will i do without farringdon grill or flat 7 at 3am? what will i do without passing the NCP sign or hairspray or the national gallery every day? what will i do without the green couches in the JCR or cafe canova or middle school lunchtime at noon? what will i do without fall break dinners or exmouth arms or monday morning eggs in a basket? all these things that have become normal life for me will all be gone in six weeks time. six weeks. what am i going to do?

i'll go from city to suburbs, from one group of friends to a thousand splinters and connections and confusion. we say we'll hang out but who knows how much we will? we're all leaving something behind here, but we all have something to go back to. and for once in my life, i'm slightly dreading it.

it's just ... what really made london so amazing for me was the people. my friends. and i don't know what i'm going to do without that.

let my love loose again

let's hear it for america's sweethearts; i must confess, i'm in love with my own sins.




confused confused confused. eight of the best days of my life with nine of the best people in my life. plane rides, train rides, bus rides. heads on shoulders. drunken hugs. kings in every city; kings of every city. snowy mountains; sunny beaches. "leave me breathless." nicknames. eighty cent gelato and four dollar hot dogs. crunchy musli that lasted us through every city. "i want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life." zip zap boing, shoulders, spin the bottle. never have i ever run out of never have i evers. more than friends, not quite siblings. "dude, you made out with your SISTER!" listening to scotty doesn't know every single day. "heeeell yeah!" sleeping until 6pm. drinking on the dock. screaming our hearts out at jealous midwestern public school kids. love love love. best fall break ever.





i hate how much i love you. it's over for real this time, and i know i shouldn't still care, but i do, i do, i do. it's so unfair. you turned my life upside down and then left me here, lost. i shouldn't still care but i can't help it, you've seeped into my pores and no matter how much i scrub at my skin, i just can't wash you away.

this gift is my curse for now

i have a feeling that nothing is ever going to be the same after london ... both in a good and a bad way. it's going to be so, well, weird having to integrate my london life back into my ND life back into my home life ... next semester is going to be an interesting one.

i've met so many people that, in normal circumstances, i never would have even thought twice about talking to, just because i already had my friends and i didn't have to. i've made friends with an awesome group of guys, which i have seriously missed SO much because almost all of my ND friends are girls. which is fine, but it's just ... different.

i've met three people who, if we had all met at the same time at the beginning of freshman year, would seriously be my best friends. we're already so close and we've known each other for a little over a month ... seriously, sometimes i think my favorite part of london is the people. i absolutely love these kids and am so glad we became friends.

i have discovered that i'm a city girl at heart. it's something i've always known but haven't been able to prove; but i absolutely LOVE living in a city. there's just something about walking down the street knowing exactly where you're going, hopping on and off public transportation, people watching, wandering down random tiny streets, the food, the sights, the history-- i am in my element. i have so much to write about and so little time, or space, or ink ... this city inspires me to be independent, to be me, to do what i know i was born to do.

oh london town. one day i will have to leave you, but you will never leave me.

let's end this tragedy today

well i was just living in the moment
and the moment was all about you.

i think my life is made up of song lyrics, for serious.






it was strange, getting on the plane in dublin to come back to london. i got the overwhelming feeling that i was coming home, and even though i've only been here for a month so far, it's already started to feel like home. i only barely know the streets of london, but feel familiar nonetheless; like the lines in my palm, like blood vessels, like a part of me. i've gotten to the point where i can give directions, where i can correctly estimate how long it'll take to get somewhere, where i can navigate myself around king's cross underground station with barely a glance at the tube map.

the tube is an adventure in itself; you never know who you will see, whether you'll recline comfortably in a seat orwhether you'll be pushed up against the window, holding onto the railing for dear life. there is ipod etiquette --headphones in, device either stuffed into a bag or a jacket pocket--, there is escalator courtesy --stand right, walk left--, there are sights and smells and sounds that make you wonder how there can be so much life on the underground, where the sun doesn't even shine.

and then, walking out of the charing cross station to a glimpse of the blue, blue sky, you realize that this feeling of home isn't a new one; no, instead it's a realization of something that was there all along, something you never knew until you let yourself love this place for real.

be careful what you wish for

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you, tell you i need you
tell you i've set you apart

tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles, coming up tails
heads on the science apart

nobody said it was easy
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh take me back to the start

i was just guessing at numbers and figures
pulling the puzzles apart
questions of science, science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart

oh tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
oh and i rush to the start
running in circles, chasing our tails
coming back as we are

nobody said it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard

i'm going back to the start.

-- coldplay, "the scientist"

i'm blind and waiting for you

sometime it's hard to figure out exactly what it is you really want.

everything feels so fast and crazy and i have a feeling it won't slow down anytime soon ...
but hey, i'm just along for the ride.

"this city is contagious."



sometimes it's impossible to know what it is you really want. sometimes you never really know until you get there. sometimes what you want isn't what you should want, but isn't life all about taking your chances?

let's see what happens. i can't wait to see what the next 3 months will bring.

this is me being emo

and i'd give up forever to touch you
'cause i know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now

and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
i just don't want to miss you tonight

and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.

-- goo goo dolls, iris

i'm lost and i'll never be found

this is me, freaking out. i don't know if i can do this. he called me today at 6:30. "hey, you wanna go to dinner? oh wait." at this point i'm almost wishing that i had just deleted that email back in march, forgotten about this, and gone on living my blissfully normal college life. but at the same time, i know i have to go-- it's this weird personal thing, i guess, because what kind of person would i be if i could, but chose not to? i don't want to be that person. and yet, i don't want be the person who's far away from what i love more than everything.

i want to see pink skies over stonehenge and the basilica as i walk back from the library. i want to walk slowly across the quad while it's still warm. i want to sit in a lewis hallway, back to the wall. i don't want to be here in my room, clothes strewn everywhere as if a tornado has just swept through. i don't want to get on a plane wednesday, knowing that my next transatlantic flight will be four months later.

i need something to hold on to. i need you.



you're hot, cold
you're not available
you run while i lose control
i miss you
forever you'll stay gold

you know i'm not getting by
i've lost it, you're in my mind
everydays the darkest of my life
(i never said i was the best thing for you)

baby where'd you go
i need you here tonight

singing myself to sleep
you're still my favorite melody
it's been three weeks
how long can this go on?
singing myself to sleep
you're haunting every memory
-- the cab, zzzzz


it’s a long way down
just fall into place and you’ll fall into me
we’ll make it out, you’ll see

so say goodnight, our first goodbye
i’ve only got forever and forever is fine
just take your time
we’ll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right.
-- the cab, vegas skies

the safest place to keep all our old mistakes

cannot believe i will be in a different country in two days. it's all quite surreal, to tell you the truth. i never get much sleep on overnight plane rides, i guess these two nights will be practice. i have no idea what to expect. i have no idea how i even feel about this. if i weren't this brave, i'd just turn around and run right back to ND-- or would i do it if i were braver? it's a secret; nobody knows. my minds through the keyboard to the screen-- sometimes things get lost in translation. i'm ready for my adventure to begin, but i'm scared out of my mind-- i wish i could distinguish between the two.





long live the car crash hearts
cry on the couch where the poets come to life
fix me in 45

(and even after all this time, the first few notes of this song is all it takes to calm me. love these boys. FOB forever.)

i came here to make you dance tonight

every so often i do this thing where i fall in and out of love with bandom (band fandom, get it get it ahaha), and right now is one of those times that i am falling waaaay back in. seeing the hush sound and the cab a couple of weeks ago reminded me of how much i love music, and how the people in the bands i love are just as awesome as the music they make (especially the FBR bands, they love each other SO MUCH and i love them for it even more).

i always wished i could play an instrument well enough to be in a band. it seems like it would be so much fun ... i love playing my guitar but there's really only so much i can do. i guess all i can do now is listen and love and try to go to as many shows as i can (even though it always becomes impossible because tour dates hate me with a passion!).

but yeah. that is all.

hide the key, 'cause i'm coming over

unedited, sappy, terrible: to you nonetheless

memories of flashbulbs are going off in my head
(fireworks magnified times a thousand)
now's the time for migration but we're all going elsewhere
we're scattered arrows pointing in every direction
up down forwards backwards inside out.
do you remember the night of the 120 balloons
or that time we all held hands and jumped for the camera?
remember the time we ran through the snow at three in the morning
or all the times we cried in the hallway, heads on shoulders
and the kind of hugs that last forever but are still too short?
and then there were the times we'd watch tv
save the date for tuesdays and wednesdays at 8,
away games, the superbowl, thursdays at 9
cramming too many people onto one futon, into one room
too much junk food, laughing during the commercial breaks.

and then there was you
like your rocks: always steady, always there.
i could always count on your smiley faces and exclamation points
and you plodding down the hall
with that red backpack that was always fit to burst
like our conversations when we'd sit up forever and talk about everything
as if there would never be another time (except there always will be).
you'd wake me up for that 8:30 when i never wanted to
but i knew that someday i'd thank you for it
someday i'll thank you for everything.

and then there was you
your smile could light up a room
our dancer, tying your hair into a knot
waving back at me whenever i saw you diagonally across the hall.
remember the night we went to that party
and laughed about it the next day?
when we sat on your bed and cautiously crafted the perfect away message
choosing every word carefully.
i could remember that night for so many reasons
but i remember it most because of you.

and then there was you
hiding behind the door of 326
waiting until we'd guess you were there
making cookies with me because no one else would
telling me about your family and how
you made that giant cake with your little brother, that one time.
you and your quiet sarcasm
and the way you love our friend.

and then there was you
unique from the start, syllables that ran together
when you'd talk so fast, e's that were a's
(or was it the other way around?)
you with your phillies merchandise and your oatmeal and teddy grahams
and your unbiased wisdom when i needed it most.
remember when we had our dance party at 3am
when we decorated a christmas tree and brought sexy back?
or when we wound it up
or took pictures while lying on the floor?
we always found each other after the aftermath of everything
but because of you the aftermath was always one of the best parts.

and then there was you
the self-proclaimed foreigner from ohio
with your fashion sense and love of j. crew
('cause when i'm at a mall, i always think of you.)
it was always you and me and the backstreet boys
dancing in the hallway with the ultimate moves
and of course, our best friend de-fence
who we just had to take out on the town.
we had a million inside jokes before our first week was up
and a million rough spots before our first year was up
but when i needed you most, you were still there
because some things mattered more than our pride.

and then there was you
nonstop talking at 5am;
modern art in the dark;
first kisses under the trees and the stars;
fighting over boggle (and everything else
but i promise i'm always sorry before it even starts);
laughing while sliding across the snow
or watching stupid videos or telling stupid jokes.
remember when you asked me to dance in your tiny, tiny room
or when you called me and played "brown-eyed girl" over the phone?
or that one time you tilted my head back when i slept in the car
so my neck wouldn't hurt when i woke up?
sometimes, secretly, i doubt you 'cause i'm scared
but you always surprise me and make me wonder how i ever, ever could.

and then there was you
in your red sox sweatshirt and your many hats
(which i carried, wet, in my suitcase)
remember when we'd wake each other up so we wouldn't miss class
just so we could pass notes as i tried not to laugh?
you with your songs and shenanigans
and so many quotes i couldn't remember them all if i tried.
you, serious under all that laughter
when we'd pretend to practice italian conversation
but have real conversations in english instead.

and then there was you
you never failed to make us laugh
you with your wedding planned out to a t
(virtual countdown and all)
you and your boys and your late papers and all the un-perfect things
that made you perfect to us.
remember "love in this club" and library dates where we didn't study
or when we watched "into the woods" together
back before i really knew you?
good thing it was you sitting next to me in that theater
when we watched a show for real because by then
i knew you, and i'm so glad i did.

and then there was you
our favorite juvenile delinquent
we're twins by name and heart
and dorky love of harry potter (right from the start).
remember "why so sirius?" and snapes on a plane
watching the office, and "that's what she said"s?
and then there was that sunday morning in the basilica
when we sat in a row in our sweaters and dresses
you walked across the aisle and
i have never been prouder to be somebody's friend.

and then there was you
with your laugh and your curls and
your invisible, unclipped wings
remember all the times we'd try to drink together and fail?
"it was the best of times, it was the worst of times"
(but it was always 99% best and 1% worst.)
you and your dreams that were as big as the mountains you wanted to climb
but i believe they can all come true
if anyone could do it, it would be you.

and then there is me
writing my life away into different colored notebooks
here's my secret: i am the luckiest
(i am, i am)
because i have all of you.

chase away these fears

oh how i miss my girls.

tonight is all about "we miss you"

this is it. in a week and a half i will be on a flight to chicago, and then on a flight to london. i can't get over the fact that i won't be going back to south bend this semester, and that i won't see most of the people i love most until january. i feel so far away from everyone already. longing has taken up residence in my chest and it's squeezing me dry. i miss my friends. i miss talking and laughing and just being together. i miss what the eight of us have-- not everyone gets that. not everyone makes seven best friends who will love them to the end. not everyone keeps connections across continents. it's not easy, but i know we can do it.

i cannot wait for my adventure, but secretly, i'm almost more anxiously awaiting the time we can all be in the same room, quietly invading each other's space, laughing until our stomachs hurt. i can't wait until we can share those adventures that we'll have separately, until we can be ridiculous together, until we can cry together, until we can breathe the same air and love each other in the same space again.

i don't want to be alone

i came here to post about this week and how empty i feel now that he's gone and i won't see him for five months, but i've been staring at this blank entry box and crying and i realize that i really can't think of anything to say that would describe how i feel at this moment.

there's always something in the way

there's always something getting through.

but it's not me ... and it's not you.




i am constantly in a cycle of being doubtful, and being reassured; being doubtful, being reassured. i feel like i can't talk to you for real, ever, because if it's something bad, you go into BLOCKBLOCKBLOCK mode and i can never get through. if i'm upset, it always becomes "ridiculous." you expect me to change, but what about you? it's not like everything you do is perfect either. it's not fair to make me feel bad for getting upset at you, for messing up your whole balance because your entire life has been based on you not getting upset.

it still hurts me that you wouldn't have said anything about the message i sent you if i hadn't brought it up. it still hurts that opened myself up, poured my heart out, and you dismissed my feelings as "simply ridiculous." it still hurts that you can never show you love me quite as much as i wish you would. it still hurts that you're never as sad as i am when we have to part ways. i'm doubting every decision i've made since two septembers ago. i love you-- i love you so much it hurts. but what if this isn't it? what if it's not supposed to be you and me? what if everyone is wrong about us? what if i'm wrong about us?

i'm scared of going to london because i'm not 100% sure that we're gonna make it. that fact in and of itself scares me more than anything. i've forgotten how to be alone. i was never okay being alone, but i made it through. what if i can't do that anymore? what if i have to?

i'm afraid that you'll give up on us. but most of all, i'm afraid that i'll give up on us.

if i could just see you tonight

restless restless restless is what i am. everything feels too small for me. i am missing everything all at once. i want to get up and pace around. i want to curl up in bed with a book. i want to wander the beach at night. i want to wake up in maryland, new york, south carolina, indiana. too many places. too many faces. i have a stash of bottled moments hidden under my pillow but the corks are screwed on too tight. i don't know what to feel anymore. the problem isn't that i'm unsure of everything-- on the contrary, i'm sure of more things than i have ever been. the problem is that since i am sure of everything, i now have everything to lose.



i wrote this after a night on the beach:
star light, star bright. let me pick out a constellation in your eyes, on your skin. it's dark but i can still see you shine. ask me about the milky way, stardust sprinkled across the sky, around us within me within you. the moonlight stretches its pale fingers and the stars run away, as far as the eye can see. no lights, more stars, and as yet another one streaks across the sky, i am feeling more and more like home.



i want to go back.

this is just a half-life

i'm so lonely.

you're like a test i can't fuck up

and so it begins.

again.

i don't know why this always turns my stomach to knots.

i tell myself to breathe but my body doesn't listen; and my chest constricts and i feel like i can't breathe and the tears balance behind my eyes, on the verge of falling-- but i won't let them.

it's always so hard being the one left behind.

everything i know and love is somewhere else; somewhere that is not here. i miss everything. i miss everyone. there are days when the tiny pieces of me that are spread around the nation all hurt in unison; this is one of those days.

so here i am, chin in my hands, fingers typing furiously as i tell myself that it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay. the more times i say those words the stranger they sound; until they're not words at all, but a cacophony of syllables said in rhythm. breathe in, breathe out. i'm okay, i'm okay. carefully calculated sounds that let me stop thinking, at least for a few minutes. because the minute i start thinking is the minute i let those tears fall.

i just want to catch you if i can

http://www.mediafire.com/?jof0cgypexx

sometimes this boy just makes me want to smile forever.

i always cry at endings

today is my most nostalgic day so far.

well, technically yesterday, since it is now officially july 1st.

i miss so much. i miss notre dame. i miss the way the sky looked as the sun was going down. i miss the lakes. i miss lafortune-- late nights, coffee breaks, cini-minis and starbucks before my 10:40, subway rendevous. i miss lewis. i miss the halls of 3W. i miss notre dame's obsession with dances. i miss botched peppermint patties with my girls. i miss section dinners and i miss conversations that somehow always came back to sex and penises and i miss alex being our personal bartender. i miss nights that we'd stay up 'till 3, 4am just talking. i miss shopping at target, playing at being all grown up. i miss the walk to debartolo on that one sunny day in the middle of february, when i'd take off my gloves for three minutes because for those three minutes, it actually felt warm. i miss the dining hall and shoestring fries and the copious amounts of salt i could pour onto everything. i miss fro-yo and sitting and talking so long that it'd melt, uneaten. i miss the grotto and i miss how it'd make everything better and i miss how even if it couldn't, it'd give me hope. i miss game nights and i miss how they'd always play uno without me. i miss irreverent games of apples to apples and losing at cranium and boggle battles with dave and text twist with molly at three in the morning. i miss wandering into angela's room and collapsing on her futon. i miss the big pink chair. i miss how the hallway became extensions of our rooms. i miss looking out my window in the morning and seeing the lakes and the trees. i miss walking around campus at night. i miss exploring classrooms and the basement of neiuwland and the sports memorabilia in the JACC. i miss the brownson courtyard. i miss laying out on the quad in the spring. i miss every single little cheesy notre dame event. i miss the leaves in the fall. i miss steak sandwiches and hot dogs and irish music pouring out the windows of zahm and st. ed's. i miss the campus teeming with people on friday mornings. i miss the stadium. i miss doing push-ups. i miss having campus hold its breath on saturdays as most of the faculty and student body watched football players tackle each other on the field. i miss going to mass in the basilica and hearing the choir. i miss study sessions in the library where all we'd do is IM each other from across the table and giggle. i miss sharing stories about "last night." i miss everything.

miles from home, doing the best that we can

i feel as if everywhere i've gone has left a mark on me, as if every wall i've touched or every person i've hugged was covered in wet paint. i am like a canvas, painted red-orange-yellow-green-blue-indigo-violet with every place i can possibly call home. i have left my heart in so many different places that it's hard to track the pieces down-- it's a connect-the-dots across the globe, across the country, the line that always pulls us up when we think we're sinking.

tonight it hit me for the first time that this is it, this is really goodbye-- well, at least until january. i wish we could attach cans to the end of this imaginary line and whisper our words through them, a too-young connection in a world that is growing too old for us, too fast. if i could go back to the beginning, back to before we knew this was even possible, i wouldn't do it any differently-- even the hard parts, even the bad parts, even the sad parts; because that way, the good parts are that much better.

they say the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, but here's my secret: the scattered pieces of my heart only strengthen its durability, and it feels more whole now than it's ever been before.

i let myself in though i know i'm not supposed to

this is how my day goes:

wake up. think of you. eat breakfast. think of you. work out. think of you. shower. think of you. check the phone. think of you. go to work. think of you. it all becomes quite repetitive after a while.

sometimes i get lucky and the phone rings in my favor. it's 10am and i am smiling as the sun seeps through my window and i press the reciever against my ear. when i'm just waking up, you are the best way to start my day.

sometimes i'm not so lucky and i spend all day wasting my phone's battery by checking it so many times. i scowl and ache and fight back stubborn tears that sting my eyes and my cheeks and want to hate you, except i never really could.


today i waited. i waited and waited and took a walk and tried not to check the phone and failed miserably and i ended up sitting by the lake, under a tree that had just bloomed a little too late, my secret spot. i sat there under those red flowers and slapped mosquitoes away from my skin, and i thought as hard as i could, hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of those thoughts would beam out over the horizon and make its way to you.

i turned on the radio to find you on satellite

i am happy here, it's true-- but the ache never goes away.

i feel myself wandering. i drive around in circles, endlessly, going up and down the streets i've known for years. i'm looking for something that i can't find because i know exactly where it is; i just can't get to it.

sometimes i wring my hands and rack my brains in desperation-- i can't deal with the fact that there is nothing i can do that will bring me closer to you. the next time i will see you is so far away; a lone oasis in the drought the next year will bring me. i feel very quiet and small, almost like a child, and i am always holding my breath. i now know what it feels like to be lonely in a crowded room.

i bite my nails to the quick and do everything i can to forget about you, so i don't have to miss you in those times i don't remember. i run and concentrate on the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground, over and over and over. i throw myself into work and it's all carefully calculated walking, turning, lifting, punching numbers and names into a computer. it is a rhythm all of its own, and after a few hours i have a moment to breathe and, oh-- there is your face, swimming up to the front of my memories again.

and so it goes. i stare at the same page in my book, and read the same sentences over and over again. i only recognize the meanings of the words until the third time over, because the first two times all i can think about is you.

my new favorite poem

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other:then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis
-- e.e. cummings

i wish i was brave enough to post this where she would see it.

i'm sorry you're still living in the past. i'm sorry i wanted to get out of this state and make something of myself. i'm sorry i have a life up in south bend. i'm sorry that the friends i made there are just as amazing as the friends i have here. i'm sorry i miss them.

i'm sorry you never picked up when i called you three times on your birthday. i'm sorry you only sent me a text message on mine. i'm sorry we're not in high school anymore. i'm sorry things can't be the same again.

i'm sorry i'm not the person i was in high school anymore. i'm sorry that i laugh a little more and cry a little more and drink a little more and love a little more. i'm sorry i finally figured out what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. i'm sorry i did it all without any help from you.

i'm sorry you're always busy all the time. i'm sorry that the one day you weren't, you'd rather sleep than spend time with me. i'm sorry i live forty-five minutes away from you. i'm sorry your phone line apparently doesn't work your way.

i'm sorry you resent that my life is moving on. i'm sorry yours never did. i'm sorry i'm not allowed to drive five hours to gainesville. i'm sorry my parents won't let me take a bus. i'm sorry you hold no interest in even trying to come visit me. i'm sorry it's never your fault.

most of all, i'm sorry i'm not sorry at all.

now i only waste it dreaming of you

words are too soft for me tonight. my fingers bang at the keyboard because i need them to feel something-- anything, anything that will help me forget that i'm all alone.

so i listen to all the fast songs and bite my lip and long for everything that i can't have. i haven't spoken to you in a whole day and it's already too long. my brain gets it but my heart just can't comprehend-- why are you so far away? why are you gone for so long?

tears linger behind my eyes but i'm not letting them fall. i am not defeated yet.

but i know i can't last for long.

get me away from here, i'm dying

i haven't really written in days. i'm tired, and i can feel it in everything i do. i want to curl into a ball and hide inside myself, because it's safe there. i'm not sad but i'm not happy either. i am full of waiting, waiting, waiting-- but waiting for what?



do we stand a chance?

let that be enough

dios mio, no puedo. no puedo.

i feel like i'm drowning.

first taste of love

i am in a very odd mood right now. i kind of want some milk. what is up with me wanting milk all the time all of a sudden?

the person i miss the most is a million miles away. i feel kind of empty.

we're going to the beach tomorrow. i feel like i should be more excited than i am.

i put new picture on my walls a couple of nights ago. i'm surrounded by pictures of the people i wish i could see in the flesh. all the pictures from march on are extremely bright and colorful. the ones from before are a little drab. it kind of reflects that whole semester, doesn't it?

i don't know even know why i'm the tiniest bit hurt about them planning out a DC trip without me. after all, i AM planning a DC/NY trip without them. (speaking of which, i can go now!) i shouldn't care. except i do. it's a bit of a conundrum.

sometimes these songs tug on my heartstrings until i feel the tears behind my eyes. for some reason, i can't cry.

sometimes i feel like i miss him so much it transcends emotion. it's like a grudging acceptance, a part of every day, just like getting up in the morning or going to work or putting on my shoes. i do it without thinking, and i take it the way it is.

but still: i need you so much closer.

fuck.

i got a C in brit lit.

not only am i incredibly disappointed in myself, now i might not even be able to go to new york. furthermore, i might not be able to go to visit dave in july either. which means i won't see him until august.

i don't even know what i'm going to do.

the fabric is about to fray

being home is ... weird. like, it's good, but so strange at the same time. i haven't really done much ... my birthday was nice, i had a lot of good food, but that's basically it. it IS nice to be warm again (finally!), but i miss 3W and i miss constant contact and i miss dave and i miss everything that came with being at notre dame. i guess the good stuff definitely overweighed the bad stuff. this year was so hard in some aspects, but amazing in others. and if it hadn't been for the bad stuff, i wouldn'tve found the people that really matter.

it still hurts a little to look at paula-theresa-lisa-rose and see how easily i've been erased. lisa and rose and theresa say that we're still friends, that they still care, but how much of that am i supposed to believe? i understand not wanting to burn bridges, i understand not wanting to get involved, but for them it's like spring break never happened. and in my opinion, what happened was too crazy to gloss over.

*sigh* oh well. i always have trouble with this anyways.

i miss my girls.
june 18 cannot come soon enough.

you know that you've been on my mind

i feel the need to document this feeling because i haven't felt this happy in a long time.

1. nice wakeup this morning at 1o.
2. felt pretty today. :)
3. barely saw my negative energy-exuding roommate.
4. cuddling, etc. with dave. ;D
5. parents came today!!
6. went out to dinner with fambly and dave.
7. grotto with my girls.
8. the return of de-fence with cat.



today, right now, i remembered why i love it here so much and why i love my friends and why it'll hurt so much to leave.

i'm gonna cry so much when i have to say goodbye.

lost for you i'm so lost for you

things i can't wait to go back to:
- the beach.
- my friends.
- FAMILY.
- my guitar.
- playing video games with my brother.
- driving my car.
- being warmer outside than inside.
- afternoons after the beach, sun-dried and sandswept.
- sweet tomatoes with the kids.
- ice skating where we're the only college students there.
- hanging out in sandy's car.
- driving with kaitie.
- reading all day.
- sleeping in my huge bed.
- going to the library.
- family dinners.

things i am going to miss so much it hurts:
- 3W.
- david james mezzanotte.
- walks around campus at twilight.
- warm notre dame nights (the few and far between).
- studying/talking in katie and angela's room.
- standing for 4 hours during football season.
- steak sandwiches from knights of columbus.
- basilica mass.
- trips to the grotto, night or day, happy or sad.
- running in the snow.
- sledding.
- group dinners.
- random movie nights.
- random drunken nights (ex. fisher zoo, apples to apples with apples)
- notre dame in the fall.
- afternoons of leisure after classes are over.
- the wall of achievement.
- american idol nights.
- waking up to a lake view.
- late nights in lafortune.
- IMing people from a foot away.
- cuddling under the covers.
- everything.

why does it take a catastrophe to start a revolution if we're so free

I forgot how much I love musicals until I listened to tick, tick...BOOM! last night ... oh man. Brings me back to senior year and my 25 burned CDs of obscure Broadway/off-Broadway/off-off-Broadway musicals. Good times. Maybe I'll pull some of those out of my dusty CD case this summer and blast 'em in the car like old times.

And maybe KConway and I can pop in the RENT movie soundtrack and go get caramel iced lattes with whipped cream and sugar at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through...

You know, I don't ever wish that I could do high school again, but some of those memories shine so golden that I just want to reach out and hold them in my hand.

we've got big plans in sight

i'm over it. it's over.

i didn't realize it, but it was really over a long time ago.

i don't need this. i don't need them. no, i don't need to surround myself with people who make me feel bad about myself. i've found my kind of people, the right kind of people, and that, my friends, that is what i need right now and forever.

i guess i'm just lucky that i found the right kind of people before everything fell apart with the wrong ones.





live for today, we'll dream tomorrow
we've got big plans in sight
we'll take this city, and by nightfall, the bright lights are calling
everything is going our way, everything is just as we planned
this is our future for what we've heard
and i've still got your hand

and it feels like we could last forever
and i'm not doing this alone

when memories fade, we've got each other
when time and confusion collide, singing "i hold it all when i hold you"
when friends walk other ways, we've got each other
i hold it all when i hold, i hold it all when i hold you

we fell on hard times, this isn't the ideal
we're miles from home
doing the best that we can, best that we can
i won't do this without you, won't do this without you so take heart
'cause you know that you have mine

and it feels like we could last forever
and i'm not doing this alone

when memories fade, we've got each other
when time and confusion collide, singing "i hold it all when i hold you"
when friends walk other ways, we've got each other
i hold it all when i hold, i hold it all when i hold...

it's not about the money we make
it's about the passions that we ache for
what makes your heart beat faster
tell me now, what does your body ache after
i don't care now where we live
it's not where or what, or who we were with
i just need you in my life, so promise me again

when memories fade, we've got each other
when time and confusion collide, singing "i hold it all when i hold you"
when friends walk other ways, we've got each other
i hold it all when i hold, i hold it all when i hold you
-- anberlin, time & confusion

gyugfyusgafgsdjfs.

i am kind of astonished and disgusted at the maturity levels of some people right now.

sever the tie, sever the tie with you

this song pretty much says all i want to say about a certain person right now. (like they said, they write it better than i ever felt it.)




i am such a sucker, and i'm always the last to know
my insides are copper, i'd kill to make them gold
conversation got me here, another night alone in the city, so
make this bed the grave and shovel dirt onto my sheets

every friend we ever had in common
i will sever the tie, sever the tie with you
you can thank your lucky stars
that everything i wish for will never come true

when you go, i will forget everything about you
when you go, i will forget everything about you

i've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you

turn this up, i'll tune you out
another night alone in the city, yeah
fake it like you matter, that's a lie we can both keep

when you go, i will forget everything about you
when you go, i will forget everything about you

-- fall out boy, sending postcards from a plane crash (wish you were here)

and it seems everlasting

So I should be studying for Italian right now, or sleeping, but since I'm a) Michelle and b) in college, I'm gonna do none of the above and write about songs that really remind me of this year in particular.

crank dat soulja boy - great beginning, i know ... but yeah. this song reminds me of the very end of the summer (dave's sister and i tried to learn the dance when i visited them in august), and at the beginning of the school year it was all the rage. i remember when, on the first day back at ND, ange and analisa and kenzie and paula and i all tried to learn it. i got sick of it after halloween, but even though i refuse to listen to it ever again, it still makes me laugh a little. (plus, it makes for excellent spring break memories, haha).

do you know? (the ping pong song); enrique - totally reminds me of the beginning of football season when we'd play beer pong before every game. hahaha love it.

apologize; one republic - this is kind of a last year song, but it got SUPER popular this year so that's what i associate it with. makes me think of asian allure (haha), thanksgiving, and theresa during the b. o'rourke drama.

take my breath away; berlin - dave and i watched top gun, and then we played the music video for this song and slow danced right then and there in his room. it was probably one of the sweetest/most romantic moments of my life. :)

forever young; youth group - another inside joke song with dave and me ... plus, it reminds me of the o.c., season 3, the DVDs of which theresa and i watched religiously through the first half of the first semester.

ohio (come back to texas); bowling for soup - this one's pretty bittersweet-- definitely reminds me of paula, lisa, theresa, rose and i before fall break.

cyclone; baby bash ft. t-pain - definitely an angela song. i think pretty much everyone thinks this is an angela song, hahaha.

last christmas; various artists - whether it was the hilary duff version, the ashley tisdale version, the savage garden version, or the jimmy eat world version, lisa rose and i listened to this song waaaay too many times over thanksgiving break. it also reminds me of lisa's workout playlist: last christmas, and sandstorm (twice!). :)

low; flo-rida - BASKETBALL SEASON! they played this before/during every home game. :) plus, kj had actual boots with the fur, which was awesome.

hey leonardo (she likes me for me); blessid union of souls - remember the night that i got drunk and got super mad at dave and we had our big fight and our big talk and we both cried? well, that night, before i sent him the mean text messages (*cringe*), this song was playing in brian/rohan's room while we were playing beer pong. after that, though, this song reminds me of exactly what the title says: he likes me for me.

bye bye bye; *nsync - lewis formal! plus, cat totally learned the entire bye bye bye dance.

sweetest girl; wyclef jean feat. akon, lil wayne, niia - probably the most bittersweet song of the bunch. playing it over and over in my room and dancing/singing with paula. requesting it at the lewis formal, hearing the dj say he didn't have it, and then freaking out at hearing it play 20 minutes later. the first couple days of spring break. i'll admit-- this song 100% reminds me of paula. and it makes me really sad because while it could never, ever be the same again (and while i would never want it to be the same again) ... i honestly miss her sometimes.

first week; graham colton band - dave and i saw graham colton in concert at legends this year, and it's definitely in my top 3 best shows i've seen. this song will forever remind me of dave and spring break and waking up to the sun coming through the window, and seeing him sleeping next to me.

jump on it; sir mix-a-lot - technically, this is also a freshman year song, but after bendy's epic 30 minutes of jump on it, i can't ignore it. awesome memories. awesome times.

american pie; don mclean - at the playground on spring break (right before the shit hit the fan, actually), wahle and i sang the entire seven minutes of this song from memory-- with help from bendy and the "southern indiana version." "drink a beer! drink a beer with my fucked up friends!" this song will forever remind me of mike wahle and of bendy. love those kids to death.

all the world tonight; graham colton band - the lyrics of this song get to me every time i listen to. mostly they remind me of spring break: the good times, the bad times, and the lessons learned. this song also kind of represents a lot of growth for me, in realizing who i am, what i want to do with my life, and who my real friends are. it's another bittersweet one, but more bitter than sweet.

the littlest birds; the be good tanyas - ROME. ashley playing the ukelele. the last night, all of us sitting in a circle around the chocolate and the wine, never wanting to leave. the final concert in the airport. singing the song the whole drive back to south bend. listening to it over and over again after i was back, wishing more than anything that i could do the whole week over again.

country roads; john denver & wagon wheel; old crow medicine show - muffy and tess and i sang/played these one night, sitting in tess's room with a uruguayan guitar. little memories like that sneak up on me when i least expect it.

georgia; hanson - this song is beautiful. it got me through the really hard weeks right after i got back from home, through the cita thing, and through the paula debacle. tugs at the heartstrings, this one.

see you again; miley cyrus - KENZIE'S SONG. haha, i actually kind of hate this song, but i secretly love it because of the middle-school-oriented lyrics and catchy tune. plus, it's basically the anthem of 3W.

love in this club; usher - ANGE'S SONG. i will never forget that night in the library where we listened to this song/giggled for twenty minutes straight. good times. :)

always be my baby; david cook - this will always remind me of watching american idol with theresa and lisa and rose. despite everything that has happened, american idol had always been our thing and it never really changed. :)

hide and seek; imogen heap - this song will probably forever remind me of right now, these few weeks at the end of the year. the only way to describe it is heartbreakingly beautiful.


And that's pretty much it for now.

this is written about so many things

the cursor blinks on the screen before me. blink, blink, blink in an endless rhythm, in time with the hum of the hard drive. the words on the screen blur either from staring or from crying-- i'm not even sure which one it is. i'm listening to songs that tug on my heartstrings; they make me build montages in my mind to grand swells of music, they make me film a movie scene in my head where we're all standing in a circle, praying, like we did that one enchanted night. the worst part of life is that things always end. they always have to end.

sometimes it's not fair. this life is too bittersweet-- there are no hellos without goodbyes. everythings ends. people leave. and when they do, they leave a space that can't be filled until they come back, unless they come back.

sometimes, people don't come back.

maybe it's 'cause they won't. maybe it's 'cause they can't. there are some kinds of gone that can't be reversed. and yeah, it hurts. it hurts, and that's the only time you really have to deal with the emptiness. every other time, the space they leave is filled with hope and anticipation-- all building up to the moment when they return, and that hope is replaced with the real thing.

when they're gone, though, is when the space is left, torn open like a gaping wound. there's no way to fill that space-- it's like a square peg in a round hole, like a puzzle piece that just doesn't quite cut it. but like that puzzle piece, you can't force it in there. you can't fill the space with something that doesn't fit. so what do you do? you cry a little, and you hurt a little, or maybe you do a lot of both. but after that, you just have to let it be. a piece is missing, yeah, but the rest of the puzzle is still there, still together. it's not going anywhere.

and that's how life is, i guess. it's not about making every single little thing work-- making every puzzle piece fit. because the truth is, not every little thing is gonna work-- and if we think that it will, we will never be happy. no-- you have to let yourself hurt. you have to let yourself cry. you have to let yourself feel. but after that, get on with it. life doesn't come without these things, but we can decide whether we let them reign over our lives.

so embrace it. open your arms wide and take it all in: the things that hurt you, the things that heal you, the weights, and the feathers. laugh. cry. scream. smile. feel. do you really want to go through life numb? don't be an ice cube. don't freeze, and don't melt. instead, be liquid: sometimes it's salty like tears, but it flows. it moves. it continues.
and so you will continue.

don't let yourself forget. don't ever stop remembering. but don't be stationary, waiting for "what happens next." don't let the memories keep you stuck in the past; instead, let them propel you forward. do everything you used to do, but this time, make it mean more. life is useless without meaing.

define life. define yourself. you may not be webster, but you are who you are. nobody knows you better than you know yourself-- you may not know the back of your hand, but trust me, you know the inside of your soul.

i can see all the world tonight

it's 12:15; we came together from all directions. we stood around a puddle in a circle and looked at our reflections as everyone arrived-- left. right. left. back. front. around. we made out each other's silhouettes and waved from the other side of the grotto in the dark. the minutes ticked and then there we were, all together.

"let's go," we whispered.

and so we walked towards the candles, slowly and deliberately, as one only walks in the grotto. it overflowed with candles-- light poured from all directions, spilling onto the ground. we handed each other new ones and lit them alone. the flickering of the candles lit up our faces for seconds at a time, and it was like seeing a new person with every new burst of light.

and then, we knelt. the hard wood is always a little cold and always hurts my knees a little, but it never matters-- i always forget after a minute or two. we closed our eyes, or we opened them; we looked around, or our gaze stayed rooted on one spot. i don't know what we each were thinking, or what we each were praying, but there we were: all in a row, all there together.

(every day here, every minute gives a new meaning to "together.")

and then, we stood, walked to the back, one by one. never rushing, always slow-- as things always are in the grotto. we held hands in a circle and prayed out loud, and as our voices mingled in the cool night air i realized that it was the first time we had all prayed out loud together. and then we all hugged; some of us cried, some of us comforted. either way, there was something in the air that made my heart feel fit to burst-- i guess this is when i remember why i came here.

"where else can we do this?" someone asked. nobody knew the answer. i guess we never realize how lucky we are until nights like this. where else would we have been if we had not come here? who would we know? what would we do?

on a sunday night, april 21, at 12:25, i realized something: i never would have known it and i never could have guessed it, but for me, it could never have been anywhere else but here.

what made us think that we were wise

sleepless nights and tired eyes are catching up with me. listening to songs with notes that tug at the heartstrings, over and over until they play by themselves in my mind. too much work, too little time. too many silences and too many headaches. sometimes i wish i could strangle you with my bare hands (except i would never really wish that, never ever). head in my hands, hands on my arms, arms on my elbows, elbows on my desk-- i'm like a statue that only moves when you're not looking. burnt bulbs and darkened rooms make the inside no more inviting than the cold outside. it's the middle of april but it still doesn't feel like the spring. it's cold in my hallway and it's cold in my heart. i layer on the sweatshirts but nothing seems to warm me up. it feels like nowhere is safe anymore. i just keep waiting for the sun to come out tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow-- but that tomorrow never really comes.

this life is too bittersweet.

it's times like these that i wish more and more that i could go back to rome.

i'm sick of the fights, i'm sick of yelling, i'm sick of silence, i'm sick of unspoken conflict, i'm sick of it all. i can't deal with this anymore, and i don't want to.

i wish i was stronger than this.

how's it going to be

you never think it'll happen to you. it's always just a news story, somebody from your city, a friend of a friend of a friend (if even that). you never think it'll happen to someone you know, much less a friend-- and then it does, and you can't quite believe it.

in this world of technology, where news travels so far and so fast, it's so hard to believe that she's really gone. her facebook is still there. her cell phone probably still rings. i know people that saw her yesterday. i remember reading 'walk two moons' and sal talked about how the rabbit was alive, and then it wasn't-- but that's how it is, really. one moment you're alive, and the next it's over. just like that. she probably didn't know it was coming until it hit her. what do you think when something like that happens? what do you do? what do you feel?

this night, these past hours have been a flood of calls and texts and silences and i'm-in-shocks and i-don't-knows, the same words repeated over and over and over. i called up people i haven't talked to in months. it's really quite extraordinary how it takes tragedies to bring people together-- but in a way, maybe that just shows our innate characteristics as humans: we don't abandon each other when we need it the most.

her face is burned into my memory. slide shows of events and places and people are clicking through my mind, never ceasing. i remember all the little things, the stupid things, the funny things. we were never as close as she was with my other friends, but she was my friend nonetheless. i had lunch with her. we talked about our problems. i sat on her couch and watched 'footloose.' she signed my yearbook, and if i turned to that page it would still be there, light blue ink shining like the ocean.

it's just heartbreaking, really.

rest in peace, carmencita peterson. you are already so very missed.

so much worse than anything i could bring myself to do

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

that is all.

you clicked your heels and wished for me

I just got a Facebook message from Dan and reading that really made me miss my friends from home even more. It's always very interesting to go home and see my friends and realize how different my friendships here are from my friendships there.

Like, I'm really close to people here, and it's cool because we've gotten really close in a really short period of time. However, the fact remains that I've known my friends from home significantly longer, and I only really realize it when I go back and see them for the first time in [insert time length here]. With the kids back home--Sandy, Kaitie, Dan, Joey, Bryan, Austin--we're so comfortable with each other ... we know all there is to know about each other and it's just a very intimate setting. A lot of my friends back home are kind of touchy-feely, too, so there's a lot of hugging and poking and dogpiling and stuff like that. And it's not weird, because it doesn't mean anything other than really close friendship.

Here, there's not that much of a physical element, it's more the fact that we've been through a lot of big stuff together and since we all live together, we've all had to deal with it more than we would have to at home, you know? So it's a really close friendship, too, but just in a different way.

In completely unrelated news, I wrote one of the most depressing pieces of writing I've written in a WHILE. I was listening to Panic at the Disco's new album (which is surprisingly good, btw), and there was this melancholy song called Northern Downpour that a) I really liked and b) made me REALLY want to write. So I did. It's kind of in the vein of a lot of the stories from my old bandslash days (oh man...), because it's about two guys in a band who basically stop being friends. And it's just ... sad. But I like it. I dunno. Posting it here because I've posted a lot of writerly stuff here before:

it's sad when you know it's ending, when you know it's spiraling downwards and all you can do is watch it fall.

slow piano music and softly strumming guitars haunt your dreams, consume your thoughts. if you could set a soundtrack to your life, this would be it. the clock changes; it's 5am. you've kept yourself up again without knowing, and the morning light starts to break out over the horizon. you stand at the window with a mug of cold tea you're not really drinking, looking for something you know you won't see.

you sit back on the bed, onto the sheets wrinkled by constant tossing and turning. you're in a limbo of sorts these days, unable to go back and unable to move forward. he left and it broke your heart; you've been together through thick and thin, and now he's like sand trickling through the cracks in the woodwork. you had leaned your head into the crook of his neck as you slept on the bus, streetlights passing over you; he had come to you first when she left him, and he had tried not to cry but failed. you were the only one that had seen.

it was just like that, and everything in between meant something too-- from the dumbest practical joke to every stage you played on. and then, just like that, something changed. you're not sure when it happened, or why, but it all turned sour and all of a sudden, there was yelling, so much yelling, all the time. and then one night he grabbed his guitar and his duffel bag and stormed out the door, tossing a "fine" over his shoulder like a punctuation mark.

he hasn't been back since.

i'll be chasing you the rest of my life

I've been thinking about London and next semester a lot lately ... it's starting to get a little scary now. I guess when I found out I got in I went from one extreme to another ... at first I was completely shying away from it, and I even toyed with the idea of not telling anyone that they had accepted me, and then rejecting it and going on with life as normal. And I came to my senses-- I went to the Grotto and I prayed about it and I talked to my parents and I talked to Dave ... the pathetic thing is that the real reason I let myself be happy with/okay with/excited about going is because of the reaction of the latter. Which was, you know, the right thing to do, and I'm really glad that he reacted the way he did, but ... while I'm really looking forward to it, I'm also dreading it.

The thing is, what am I going to DO? It'll be like the summer except completely different because ... well, because it's NOT the summer. I'm gonna miss a bunch of important milestone-y things, like his birthday and our 2 years. Not to mention the fact that I'm going to miss him terribly (duh). It's not that I'm getting cold feet about going, I just ... I guess I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. You know? I really want to enjoy it, and have the best possible time that I can, but in order to do that I CAN'T be miserable like I was over the summer. That's just not an option. (Worst summer ever, btw-- but that's besides the point, so, yeah.)

I dunno. 2008 is shaping up to be a pretty frickin' awesome year, so maybe that bodes well for the second half as well? I hope so.

In other news, I am so excited for the summer ... I don't think I've been this excited for any summer my whole entire life. I get to be home again (FINALLY), see my family, actually see my friends because we'll all be home, have a legit birthday, hopefully get a better job (crossing my fingers for Barnes & Noble), and hopefully go visit Dave in Kiawah ... which would be SWEET. Mostly I just want to be HOME again!! Ahh....

But yeah. I have to go proofread some more stories and read some more books and write some more papers ... good times ... except I'll probably turn on the Lizzie McGuire movie because I am lame and still miss Rome to death, haha. Wish me luck.

strong enough to break

It's kind of interesting to look at things and see how Rome has really changed my perspective so much ... everything seems so much smaller, problems seem a lot more trivial when I look at the big picture. Sure, I still worry about things, but within that worry is a calm, deep down. Walking around campus today I felt so free, like I could do anything. I felt so sure I could take charge of my future. I sat in Waddicks and wrote, went to the Snite and wrote, and then as I walked back to Lewis I looked up at the blue sky and felt truly happy.

I have my pillar to lean on-- I've just got to keep it here. I can't let this feeling fade.

amazing.

ajhdkjahkjfdsjkjfsd. Definitely one of the greatest moments of my life. I miss it so much.

misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye

Okay. I need to snap out of it. I've been listening to the same 3 songs all day. The play count on iTunes is kind of embarrassing.

BUT GAH I MISS IT SO MUCH.

Things were so much simpler there ... now I actually have to deal with life. And duplicitous people. I hate to say it but I'll be glad when this semester is over. :(

i miss it so much :(

I wrote this on the night of March 23rd:

It's the night of Holy Saturday and I'm here in the church, waiting. I feel like this has been a week of waiting --for God, for an epiphany, for myself-- and finally, the moment of truth has arrived. I've always said that I've been standing on the edge of something big-- and tonight, maybe tonight, I'll topple over the edge. The light in the church will illuminate my soul, and I'll be able to see the other side of the mountain.

I've been put on this earth for a reason. And here I am, trucking my notebooks halfway across the world, looking for that reason. Writing is one half of my soul; this city and all it contains completes it. I could come back a million times, I could live here my whole life-- and I still wouldn't see it all. I couldn't see it all. There are old things and new things, constant things and changing things. I've been here four times (so many, yet so few!) and each Rome I have seen has been a different one.

I would say this place is magical, but really, it's more than that. It's as if a piece of my heart has been buried in this sacred ground, and it is only returned to me when I come back, and back and back and back. And while it feels like home, we are a midget and a majesty-- even standing next to a column at St. Peter's or St. Paul's makes me feel like I'm inches tall. And I am-- but at the same time, I am a tiny piece of the mosaic that is the Eternal City. It may be too flattering to say that, but I feel as much a part of this place as it is a part of me.

i've got the wandering blues

Here I am, in the cold midwest, and all my heart longs for is to be across the Atlantic right now. I feel my heart wrench towards the west; I am happy to be back, and I am thankful for those that I love, but there is a loneliness that permeates my soul. I long for the simple clarity of those ten days, when I was certain about things, even though I still had confusion and doubt. I had real, physical pillars to lean on-- I now must rely on pillars of faith.

I didn't think it would be so hard right away, I didn't think I'd miss it so much. True, every time I've gotten onto a plane leaving Rome I've longed for it to turn right back around, but this time the ache is heartwrenching. I've never felt it more strongly in my life. I've been hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard, I've been sleeping in odd patterns, and I've listening to that song over and over again. 'I'll quit my wanderin' ways one of these days.' I feel like I'll always be wandering back to those cobblestoned streets ... I only wish I could stop wandering and be there forever.

whisper words of wisdom

Seriously, Let It Be is my frickin' anthem. Nobody could ever do it quite like the Beatles did. :)

Let's not lie here: life is hard right now. I'm super stressed and exhausted and emotionally drained, and in a way I wish I weren't traveling because I have to deal with the stress of that, too. But at the same time, I'm going to Rome, my favorite place on the planet, and it'll be nice to get away and have time to really think about things, you know? I will miss everyone terribly, but this is definitely gonna be a good thing.

I'm gonna be okay.

oh man.

If I've learned anything in life, it is that everything happens for a reason.

:)

it's unforgettable, now that we've come this far

uno: I am one midterm and a paper away from a) Thursday night awesomeness and b) SPRING BREAK AND THE BEACH. AHHHH CANNOT WAIT.

dos: This is my schedule for the next 24 hours or so:

• Now until 2am --> study for Brit Lit
• 2am - 9:20am --> sleep
• 9:30 - 10am --> work out
• 10am - 10:50am --> shower, get ready, leave for Brit Lit midterm
• 11am - 12:15pm --> Brit Lit final
• 12:20pm - 12:50pm --> lunch
• 1pm - 4(ish)pm --> shopping with Mich!
• after that --> beer date with Kenz + other assorted shenanigans

tres: I am so thankful for the people in my life. I mean, I always say that, but sometimes I forget how much I mean it. I have so many people who are there for me, no matter what, and I have people that believe in me. To one person in particular (and I know you are reading this)-- thank you. I don't think anyone really knows how much it means to me to have someone truly believe in me and my abilities-- because of you, I've actually started to believe in myself.

sometimes things are more important than sleeping

Sometimes your prayer is a photograph, a snapshot-- through the true eyes or through the mind's eye. To me, my prayers are words, and I feel them forming as I gaze around me. The ground I kneel on is cold and wet but I don't feel it; instead I am looking up, up and the snow is falling down, down. I can feel that there's something happening here, something that's more real than the snowflakes melting into raindrops on my cheeks.

I light a candle and I light it for what is real. This, here right now, is real. This sight I see before me is something we can't create: we must wait for it to happen. And when it does, it happens whether you expect it or want it, and it is stunning in its unpredictability. I can see my breath billow out before me and it mingles with the glow of the candles. I could have chosen to be anywhere, but I filled my space here in the snow, and the snow filled its space with me.

so i lay my head back down

Things of note right now:
1) I am SO. TIRED.
2) I don't want to go to class. Especially Italian. I wish I had skips left. I'm so tempted to skip right now.
3) Oh, screw it. I'm skipping.
4) I've been kind of sad lately (and I don't even know why! wtf?) and I have been listening to the Walk to Remember soundtrack a lot lately. Are they connected? Hmm.
5) I need to buy a new bathing suit for SB '08. I'm thinking Old Navy is the best (and least expensive!) option. Now the question is: to order online, or not to order online? Thoughts?
6) I changed my mind-- I don't want to go to Chicago tonight. I want to stay here and ... this is stupid but I know I'll miss him terribly even if I'm only gone for a night. Wow. I need to get it together before the summer or we're gonna have a real problem on our hands.

Ahhhhh. I feel like a crazy person. Why do I feel as though nothing is where it should be right now? :(

thoughts after fiction writing...

So the more I write, and the more I read other people's writing and hear other people's opinions, the more I realize how subjective it all is. I mean, there is obviously a line between what is GOOD and what is BAD, but since there are so many different writing styles and genres, that line gets blurred extremely often. There are some amazing writers in my class, but every one of them has a distinct style and while it may be mine, it may not be someone else's cup of tea. It's a lot to think about...

I've also realized that maybe fiction isn't what I should be aiming for-- I feel so much more at home when I'm writing about my own experiences, or rather, a more nonfiction approach. I've always tried to infuse those kind of things into the fiction I write, but I've almost never felt 100% satisfied with my fiction. I don't know ... I guess it's just something I have to think about a little more.

In other news, basketball tonight!! Yay ... I'm excited. I've been listening to Remember the Name all day ... haha I'm such a nerd. ANYWAYS. My game plan for the time being is: work out, shower, get dressed, go to Subway, go to the JACC. And somewhere in between that, read more of Tom Sawyer. Etc. Alrightly ... I'm off. :)

cellophane girl, see through me

So I thought I was okay, but I'm pretty much a mess. The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is music and Dave.

And 3W. But that should be a given. :)

I just need to get out of here. Maybe going to that workshop this Friday (for the group that I'm going to Rome for Easter with) will be nice after all ... it should be good to just get away for a night. *sigh*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i can't stop if you don't start

I just spent waaaay too much time working on this slideshow that will not be done/need to be done until senior year. Is it procrastination? Yes. Is it frickin' sweet? YES.

(Only problem is that Windows Movie Maker likes to freeze up a lot on me. It did it like 5 times in the past 15 minutes. Not cool. Bad Windows Movie Maker.)

I just ate a dark chocolate truffle. It was quite delicious. I may put the bag out in the hallway because they are so delicious that I am tempted to eat one every five minutes. Hehe ;)

ANYWAYS. I need to go be productive now, so that is what I shall do! Go productive Michelle go!

Ciao amigos.

ouch.

It's that feeling that starts in the pit of your stomach, and then it just clenches. Ugh. I feel so disgusted with myself right now. Mostly because this, this waitlisting crap (which is basically rejection anyways)? Is my fault. That's right. I know it's because of my GPA. And if I had pushed myself, if I had just pushed myself a little during freshman year I just know that it would be different now.

It wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have good friends who are, in fact, going to the same places I applied to. Because now I not only can't go, but I'll have to hear about it too. I can't block this out and pretend it never happened. Not that it would be very healthy, at any rate, but still. Maybe it'd be easier, for a little while.

The thing that sucks is that I wanted it so much. I knew I wasn't going to get into Rome, but I love that fucking place so much that I always had that hope, deep down. You know? That impossible hope that you know you shouldn't have but that you keep alive just in case.

I just hate being that person who won't go because she wasn't good enough, as opposed to being the person who won't go because she just didn't apply.

huh.

So I was looking through my writing folder and organizing things, and I found something that I wrote in my junior year of high school, after reading Shakespeare's Sonnet 130 in Lit class:

I don't want your everyday, run-of-the-mill, "your eyes are like the stars" kinda love. I want someone who will see me with muddy sweatpants and wet hair and think I'm the most beautiful creature on this earth. I want someone who'll drive 3 hours in the pouring rain just to see me. I want someone to laugh so hard with that milk shoots out my nose. I want someone who'll beg to dance with me even though they hate dancing in the first place. I want that knock-em-dead, head-over-heels, crazy in love kinda love. Some people say it can't exist, but I know it's out there somewhere. And I'm holding out for that kind of love. That's what I'm waiting for.

blahhhh.

Things of note:

- South Bend sucks and its weather needs to go die a horrible, painful death.
- Migraines also suck. I have had 4 in the past three days. wtf. :(
- Can it be Spring Break now plz? Kthx.
- I have a paper due tomorrow and I have written ... the title.

However, I did clean my room and change my sheets today! Which is nice. :)

i have no voice as of now

So I'm just gonna say:

Lewis formal = GREAT SUCCESS!!

(and when you say that in your head, say it with a Borat voice. ahahaha.)

More details (and possibly pictures) to come. Get excited.






I pretty much love the world and everyone in it right now. :)

3 things on my mind...

i. Still sick. BLAH. Went to health services and I apparently do not have the flu, so that's definitely good at least. I categorically refuse to be sick for the formal ... plus I really want to partake in the illicit alcohol consumption that will be occurring. So-- sickness, go away. Nobody likes you. :P

ii. Sometimes (especially times like now) I am just itching to play my guitar ... but I can't because I don't have it here! :( And it's even worse because Paula's guitar is here, sitting on her desk, so sometimes I think, "Oh, I can just play Paula's..." and then I remember that hers is BROKEN. Meh. Guitar, come back to meeeeee :( I miss you.

(and now, the big(ger) one...)

[deleted because that's over and it's pretty much all fixed now. heh.]

sick as a dog

You know, I never really understood that phrase ... how sick do dogs actually get?? Hmm...

But yeah. I am slowly dying ... okay not really. But I feel like crap and am trying to rest up so I won't be sick for Friday, 'cause if I'm sick for the formal I may have to choke a bitch. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FORMAL FOR SO LONG I CAN'T BE SICK AHHH.

I just spent the last hour and a half editing the layout of this thing. Now it is SWEET. Go me!

I am wearing green sweatpants and a giant orange hoodie. I feel like an oversized pumpkin.

Who can't wait for spring break? Oh, that's right, ME. (sb '08 so great can't wait)

Oh goodness ... I just realized I have to call in sick to work and I forgot to get the NDH number YET AGAIN. Go me (except with a different connotation)...

Aaaand that has been your daily random sample of Michelle's thoughts! Have a nice day.

hello hello

So I have this bright, shiny new blog and I feel as though it should not stand around empty. So here I am, posting in it! Yaaaay.

I should be sleeping right now. But I'm not. Who's surprised? *crickets*

Um... yeah.

I should go read up on things I don't know much about. Like relationships and Africa. I uh, miss reading about those things. Ya know?

Okay this is a very deranged post. Peace out yo. Word up, A-town (shoutout to Mich? or do I just like Usher a lot? or do I just like the phrase "word up"? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW)