And I think it's funny
that I will never enjoy banana pancakes
with you on a Sunday morning because you can't stand
the taste of bananas.
It's also funny
that you will never enjoy skiing
with me on a mountain because my bones will break so easily
and I'd fall on my face most likely.
I will never make you a peanut butter sandwich
for lunch and we will never enjoy fajitas
with green peppers together because
I hate them.
I will probably never see your wild side
and you will probably never see the side of me
that does things I regret.
but
(in between)
of our little lives and little likes and little selves
We will find a place where
I pick the bananas out of the batter
and you pick the peppers out of the pan
and it will be okay if one or two get through.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
one night to speed up truth
today i realized that it is going to end.
molly always asks us if we've come to terms with the end. everyone usually responds with something like, "it'll be bittersweet," or "i'm excited, but kind of sad," or anything within that range. "no," molly always says, "not how you feel about it. i want to know if you have come to terms with the fact that graduation is actually happening, that this is all actually going to end."
and we chat about it, and muse about it, and everyone always says that it feels pretty surreal, that they don't know it yet.
but today, i realized that it is actually happening. in less than two months, it is going to end.
and i'm not sure i'm as ready for it as i think i've been.
graduating from the university of notre dame is completely different from eighth grade or high school graduation in almost every way. college is different because it is not only school, it is not only friends: it is a way of life. for four years, you eat, sleep and breathe college. i have spent more time in south bend in the past three and a half years than i have at my own home. notre dame, indiana became my home. i look back at myself as a freshman, and then look at myself now. i'm older, poorer, happier. i have felt things i didn't really know i could feel. i have done things i never really thought i would do. i have been at low points and high points. i have seen so much of the world and so much of who people really are. it's cliche, but i've learned just as much (if not more) outside the classrooms than in.
and still - this is a school. i got what i came here for: academic knowledge. true, i have had my fair share of classes i could care less about, but the ones that have made a difference were worth every penny my parents have spent. i have gone from a girl who likes books, to one who understands them. i have gone from a girl who likes writing, to a writer. i have figured out what i spent all of my confused high school years searching for: who i am. i don't feel lost anymore, at least not in that department, because i feel like for the first time in my life i really know.
i've learned what it's like to love. i've learned what it's like to truly appreciate your family. i've learned the meaning of keeping in touch. i've learned that you don't let the people that matter slip away that easily. i've learned that you can think something is love when really, you have no idea. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart bursting with happiness. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart break with sadness. i've learned what it's like to be a part of something bigger than you. i've learned the meaning of loyalty.
i've learned what it's like to lose a friend. i've learned that those who are there for you are more valuable than anything in the world. i've learned that the people who don't care are not worth your time. i've learned that faith is a choice, and that it is a choice i want to make. i've learned that the spring is that much better when you've gone through the winter. i've learned that life goes on and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it.
maybe the biggest thing i've learned is that we may feel like we're not ready for the next part of our lives, whatever it may be: new home, new school, new friends, new lovers, new anything. and it's always going to be a little scary and a little exciting to leave the old behind for the new. but anyways - the biggest thing i've learned is that we're all going to be okay. no matter how bad we think it is...we'll make it through. the test will be over. your heart will mend. you'll be home soon. you'll be back soon enough.
which brings me back to the beginning: it's going to end. and i'm not going to lie, i'm scared out of my mind. how can i leave this place so soon? this place that has held so much magic for me. i've lived through a lot of firsts and lasts here. there are times when i'm still in awe of how the dome can still shine even on the dreariest day. there are times when the sun is setting and the sky over south quad is still breathtaking. there are times when i know i will miss life chats that go on and on forever. there are times when i will miss every single little thing about this place and i will not know what to do with myself.
and then, then it'll be time to take my own advice: it will be okay. life goes on. i'm gonna miss this place to death...but at least i loved it enough to miss it that much.
molly always asks us if we've come to terms with the end. everyone usually responds with something like, "it'll be bittersweet," or "i'm excited, but kind of sad," or anything within that range. "no," molly always says, "not how you feel about it. i want to know if you have come to terms with the fact that graduation is actually happening, that this is all actually going to end."
and we chat about it, and muse about it, and everyone always says that it feels pretty surreal, that they don't know it yet.
but today, i realized that it is actually happening. in less than two months, it is going to end.
and i'm not sure i'm as ready for it as i think i've been.
graduating from the university of notre dame is completely different from eighth grade or high school graduation in almost every way. college is different because it is not only school, it is not only friends: it is a way of life. for four years, you eat, sleep and breathe college. i have spent more time in south bend in the past three and a half years than i have at my own home. notre dame, indiana became my home. i look back at myself as a freshman, and then look at myself now. i'm older, poorer, happier. i have felt things i didn't really know i could feel. i have done things i never really thought i would do. i have been at low points and high points. i have seen so much of the world and so much of who people really are. it's cliche, but i've learned just as much (if not more) outside the classrooms than in.
and still - this is a school. i got what i came here for: academic knowledge. true, i have had my fair share of classes i could care less about, but the ones that have made a difference were worth every penny my parents have spent. i have gone from a girl who likes books, to one who understands them. i have gone from a girl who likes writing, to a writer. i have figured out what i spent all of my confused high school years searching for: who i am. i don't feel lost anymore, at least not in that department, because i feel like for the first time in my life i really know.
i've learned what it's like to love. i've learned what it's like to truly appreciate your family. i've learned the meaning of keeping in touch. i've learned that you don't let the people that matter slip away that easily. i've learned that you can think something is love when really, you have no idea. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart bursting with happiness. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart break with sadness. i've learned what it's like to be a part of something bigger than you. i've learned the meaning of loyalty.
i've learned what it's like to lose a friend. i've learned that those who are there for you are more valuable than anything in the world. i've learned that the people who don't care are not worth your time. i've learned that faith is a choice, and that it is a choice i want to make. i've learned that the spring is that much better when you've gone through the winter. i've learned that life goes on and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it.
maybe the biggest thing i've learned is that we may feel like we're not ready for the next part of our lives, whatever it may be: new home, new school, new friends, new lovers, new anything. and it's always going to be a little scary and a little exciting to leave the old behind for the new. but anyways - the biggest thing i've learned is that we're all going to be okay. no matter how bad we think it is...we'll make it through. the test will be over. your heart will mend. you'll be home soon. you'll be back soon enough.
which brings me back to the beginning: it's going to end. and i'm not going to lie, i'm scared out of my mind. how can i leave this place so soon? this place that has held so much magic for me. i've lived through a lot of firsts and lasts here. there are times when i'm still in awe of how the dome can still shine even on the dreariest day. there are times when the sun is setting and the sky over south quad is still breathtaking. there are times when i know i will miss life chats that go on and on forever. there are times when i will miss every single little thing about this place and i will not know what to do with myself.
and then, then it'll be time to take my own advice: it will be okay. life goes on. i'm gonna miss this place to death...but at least i loved it enough to miss it that much.
Monday, March 15, 2010
they say bad things happen for a reason
if it weren't for my broken leg i'd be the happiest girl in the world. but if it weren't for you i would be the saddest, and to not be the saddest is all i can ask for.
don't let me give up on you
when everything's a white curtain you're not really sure where to go. laugh loudly and suffer quietly. shake the sand out of your hair let the sun burn your skin but in the end everyone always has to leave. sometimes i don't know what i'm really writing about anymore. all i want to do is go back to those places where i belonged: across the quad, across the country, across the sea. anywhere but here. these four walls close in too fast and the door is covered by a white curtain that just won't flutter aside. i'm screaming about broken things and hitting the keys on the keyboard like i'm playing my heart on the piano. take me back to the summer where all we had to do was drink beer and watch fireflies. now it's cold and i can't run around anymore but we're still happy, right? i still know how to be happy, right? everyone's a mess every once in a while, right? all i ask is that you don't let me give up on me. don't let me give up on you.
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