there's always something in the way

there's always something getting through.

but it's not me ... and it's not you.




i am constantly in a cycle of being doubtful, and being reassured; being doubtful, being reassured. i feel like i can't talk to you for real, ever, because if it's something bad, you go into BLOCKBLOCKBLOCK mode and i can never get through. if i'm upset, it always becomes "ridiculous." you expect me to change, but what about you? it's not like everything you do is perfect either. it's not fair to make me feel bad for getting upset at you, for messing up your whole balance because your entire life has been based on you not getting upset.

it still hurts me that you wouldn't have said anything about the message i sent you if i hadn't brought it up. it still hurts that opened myself up, poured my heart out, and you dismissed my feelings as "simply ridiculous." it still hurts that you can never show you love me quite as much as i wish you would. it still hurts that you're never as sad as i am when we have to part ways. i'm doubting every decision i've made since two septembers ago. i love you-- i love you so much it hurts. but what if this isn't it? what if it's not supposed to be you and me? what if everyone is wrong about us? what if i'm wrong about us?

i'm scared of going to london because i'm not 100% sure that we're gonna make it. that fact in and of itself scares me more than anything. i've forgotten how to be alone. i was never okay being alone, but i made it through. what if i can't do that anymore? what if i have to?

i'm afraid that you'll give up on us. but most of all, i'm afraid that i'll give up on us.