this is me being emo

and i'd give up forever to touch you
'cause i know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now

and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
i just don't want to miss you tonight

and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.

-- goo goo dolls, iris

i'm lost and i'll never be found

this is me, freaking out. i don't know if i can do this. he called me today at 6:30. "hey, you wanna go to dinner? oh wait." at this point i'm almost wishing that i had just deleted that email back in march, forgotten about this, and gone on living my blissfully normal college life. but at the same time, i know i have to go-- it's this weird personal thing, i guess, because what kind of person would i be if i could, but chose not to? i don't want to be that person. and yet, i don't want be the person who's far away from what i love more than everything.

i want to see pink skies over stonehenge and the basilica as i walk back from the library. i want to walk slowly across the quad while it's still warm. i want to sit in a lewis hallway, back to the wall. i don't want to be here in my room, clothes strewn everywhere as if a tornado has just swept through. i don't want to get on a plane wednesday, knowing that my next transatlantic flight will be four months later.

i need something to hold on to. i need you.



you're hot, cold
you're not available
you run while i lose control
i miss you
forever you'll stay gold

you know i'm not getting by
i've lost it, you're in my mind
everydays the darkest of my life
(i never said i was the best thing for you)

baby where'd you go
i need you here tonight

singing myself to sleep
you're still my favorite melody
it's been three weeks
how long can this go on?
singing myself to sleep
you're haunting every memory
-- the cab, zzzzz


it’s a long way down
just fall into place and you’ll fall into me
we’ll make it out, you’ll see

so say goodnight, our first goodbye
i’ve only got forever and forever is fine
just take your time
we’ll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right.
-- the cab, vegas skies

the safest place to keep all our old mistakes

cannot believe i will be in a different country in two days. it's all quite surreal, to tell you the truth. i never get much sleep on overnight plane rides, i guess these two nights will be practice. i have no idea what to expect. i have no idea how i even feel about this. if i weren't this brave, i'd just turn around and run right back to ND-- or would i do it if i were braver? it's a secret; nobody knows. my minds through the keyboard to the screen-- sometimes things get lost in translation. i'm ready for my adventure to begin, but i'm scared out of my mind-- i wish i could distinguish between the two.





long live the car crash hearts
cry on the couch where the poets come to life
fix me in 45

(and even after all this time, the first few notes of this song is all it takes to calm me. love these boys. FOB forever.)

i came here to make you dance tonight

every so often i do this thing where i fall in and out of love with bandom (band fandom, get it get it ahaha), and right now is one of those times that i am falling waaaay back in. seeing the hush sound and the cab a couple of weeks ago reminded me of how much i love music, and how the people in the bands i love are just as awesome as the music they make (especially the FBR bands, they love each other SO MUCH and i love them for it even more).

i always wished i could play an instrument well enough to be in a band. it seems like it would be so much fun ... i love playing my guitar but there's really only so much i can do. i guess all i can do now is listen and love and try to go to as many shows as i can (even though it always becomes impossible because tour dates hate me with a passion!).

but yeah. that is all.

hide the key, 'cause i'm coming over

unedited, sappy, terrible: to you nonetheless

memories of flashbulbs are going off in my head
(fireworks magnified times a thousand)
now's the time for migration but we're all going elsewhere
we're scattered arrows pointing in every direction
up down forwards backwards inside out.
do you remember the night of the 120 balloons
or that time we all held hands and jumped for the camera?
remember the time we ran through the snow at three in the morning
or all the times we cried in the hallway, heads on shoulders
and the kind of hugs that last forever but are still too short?
and then there were the times we'd watch tv
save the date for tuesdays and wednesdays at 8,
away games, the superbowl, thursdays at 9
cramming too many people onto one futon, into one room
too much junk food, laughing during the commercial breaks.

and then there was you
like your rocks: always steady, always there.
i could always count on your smiley faces and exclamation points
and you plodding down the hall
with that red backpack that was always fit to burst
like our conversations when we'd sit up forever and talk about everything
as if there would never be another time (except there always will be).
you'd wake me up for that 8:30 when i never wanted to
but i knew that someday i'd thank you for it
someday i'll thank you for everything.

and then there was you
your smile could light up a room
our dancer, tying your hair into a knot
waving back at me whenever i saw you diagonally across the hall.
remember the night we went to that party
and laughed about it the next day?
when we sat on your bed and cautiously crafted the perfect away message
choosing every word carefully.
i could remember that night for so many reasons
but i remember it most because of you.

and then there was you
hiding behind the door of 326
waiting until we'd guess you were there
making cookies with me because no one else would
telling me about your family and how
you made that giant cake with your little brother, that one time.
you and your quiet sarcasm
and the way you love our friend.

and then there was you
unique from the start, syllables that ran together
when you'd talk so fast, e's that were a's
(or was it the other way around?)
you with your phillies merchandise and your oatmeal and teddy grahams
and your unbiased wisdom when i needed it most.
remember when we had our dance party at 3am
when we decorated a christmas tree and brought sexy back?
or when we wound it up
or took pictures while lying on the floor?
we always found each other after the aftermath of everything
but because of you the aftermath was always one of the best parts.

and then there was you
the self-proclaimed foreigner from ohio
with your fashion sense and love of j. crew
('cause when i'm at a mall, i always think of you.)
it was always you and me and the backstreet boys
dancing in the hallway with the ultimate moves
and of course, our best friend de-fence
who we just had to take out on the town.
we had a million inside jokes before our first week was up
and a million rough spots before our first year was up
but when i needed you most, you were still there
because some things mattered more than our pride.

and then there was you
nonstop talking at 5am;
modern art in the dark;
first kisses under the trees and the stars;
fighting over boggle (and everything else
but i promise i'm always sorry before it even starts);
laughing while sliding across the snow
or watching stupid videos or telling stupid jokes.
remember when you asked me to dance in your tiny, tiny room
or when you called me and played "brown-eyed girl" over the phone?
or that one time you tilted my head back when i slept in the car
so my neck wouldn't hurt when i woke up?
sometimes, secretly, i doubt you 'cause i'm scared
but you always surprise me and make me wonder how i ever, ever could.

and then there was you
in your red sox sweatshirt and your many hats
(which i carried, wet, in my suitcase)
remember when we'd wake each other up so we wouldn't miss class
just so we could pass notes as i tried not to laugh?
you with your songs and shenanigans
and so many quotes i couldn't remember them all if i tried.
you, serious under all that laughter
when we'd pretend to practice italian conversation
but have real conversations in english instead.

and then there was you
you never failed to make us laugh
you with your wedding planned out to a t
(virtual countdown and all)
you and your boys and your late papers and all the un-perfect things
that made you perfect to us.
remember "love in this club" and library dates where we didn't study
or when we watched "into the woods" together
back before i really knew you?
good thing it was you sitting next to me in that theater
when we watched a show for real because by then
i knew you, and i'm so glad i did.

and then there was you
our favorite juvenile delinquent
we're twins by name and heart
and dorky love of harry potter (right from the start).
remember "why so sirius?" and snapes on a plane
watching the office, and "that's what she said"s?
and then there was that sunday morning in the basilica
when we sat in a row in our sweaters and dresses
you walked across the aisle and
i have never been prouder to be somebody's friend.

and then there was you
with your laugh and your curls and
your invisible, unclipped wings
remember all the times we'd try to drink together and fail?
"it was the best of times, it was the worst of times"
(but it was always 99% best and 1% worst.)
you and your dreams that were as big as the mountains you wanted to climb
but i believe they can all come true
if anyone could do it, it would be you.

and then there is me
writing my life away into different colored notebooks
here's my secret: i am the luckiest
(i am, i am)
because i have all of you.

chase away these fears

oh how i miss my girls.

tonight is all about "we miss you"

this is it. in a week and a half i will be on a flight to chicago, and then on a flight to london. i can't get over the fact that i won't be going back to south bend this semester, and that i won't see most of the people i love most until january. i feel so far away from everyone already. longing has taken up residence in my chest and it's squeezing me dry. i miss my friends. i miss talking and laughing and just being together. i miss what the eight of us have-- not everyone gets that. not everyone makes seven best friends who will love them to the end. not everyone keeps connections across continents. it's not easy, but i know we can do it.

i cannot wait for my adventure, but secretly, i'm almost more anxiously awaiting the time we can all be in the same room, quietly invading each other's space, laughing until our stomachs hurt. i can't wait until we can share those adventures that we'll have separately, until we can be ridiculous together, until we can cry together, until we can breathe the same air and love each other in the same space again.

i don't want to be alone

i came here to post about this week and how empty i feel now that he's gone and i won't see him for five months, but i've been staring at this blank entry box and crying and i realize that i really can't think of anything to say that would describe how i feel at this moment.

there's always something in the way

there's always something getting through.

but it's not me ... and it's not you.




i am constantly in a cycle of being doubtful, and being reassured; being doubtful, being reassured. i feel like i can't talk to you for real, ever, because if it's something bad, you go into BLOCKBLOCKBLOCK mode and i can never get through. if i'm upset, it always becomes "ridiculous." you expect me to change, but what about you? it's not like everything you do is perfect either. it's not fair to make me feel bad for getting upset at you, for messing up your whole balance because your entire life has been based on you not getting upset.

it still hurts me that you wouldn't have said anything about the message i sent you if i hadn't brought it up. it still hurts that opened myself up, poured my heart out, and you dismissed my feelings as "simply ridiculous." it still hurts that you can never show you love me quite as much as i wish you would. it still hurts that you're never as sad as i am when we have to part ways. i'm doubting every decision i've made since two septembers ago. i love you-- i love you so much it hurts. but what if this isn't it? what if it's not supposed to be you and me? what if everyone is wrong about us? what if i'm wrong about us?

i'm scared of going to london because i'm not 100% sure that we're gonna make it. that fact in and of itself scares me more than anything. i've forgotten how to be alone. i was never okay being alone, but i made it through. what if i can't do that anymore? what if i have to?

i'm afraid that you'll give up on us. but most of all, i'm afraid that i'll give up on us.