and i don't know where to look

the last reason to make this last for as long as i could
the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me
to look past everything i had ever learned


i am in such a weird state of mind. on one hand, i feel more like myself than i ever have; on the other, i am wondering who this girl really is. my heart lies in so many places and i'm getting them all muddled and mixed-up and i'm not really sure what to do.

now i'm trying to get back

sometimes i guess i say things that don't really matter that i don't really mean. i don't want everyone to worry about me; everyone has their rough spots. i'll make it through okay.

we're past the halfway point. i came here scared to get lost in london; now i'm afraid that i'll be lost without london. what will i do without farringdon grill or flat 7 at 3am? what will i do without passing the NCP sign or hairspray or the national gallery every day? what will i do without the green couches in the JCR or cafe canova or middle school lunchtime at noon? what will i do without fall break dinners or exmouth arms or monday morning eggs in a basket? all these things that have become normal life for me will all be gone in six weeks time. six weeks. what am i going to do?

i'll go from city to suburbs, from one group of friends to a thousand splinters and connections and confusion. we say we'll hang out but who knows how much we will? we're all leaving something behind here, but we all have something to go back to. and for once in my life, i'm slightly dreading it.

it's just ... what really made london so amazing for me was the people. my friends. and i don't know what i'm going to do without that.