run for your children for your sisters and brothers

day four - your sibling.

i remember being in the hospital room days after you were born, munching on graham crackers and sipping apple juice. in the shaky home video the nurse walks into the frame to wheel your little crib back to the nursery, and you can hear the panic in my voice as i ask why are they taking him away?

we've been separated in one way or another ever since i started high school when you were still in fifth grade. but despite this distance it's always been you and me versus the world, with our jokes and our arguments and fake karate kicks and hugs that are tighter than we want to admit. you're a freshman in college now but in my head you're still my baby brother, who i'd make up imaginary universes with, who i'd recite all the words to toy story with, who i'd always lose to in video games.

they say friends come and go, but family lasts forever. and while the jury's still out on the first part, nothing can convince me that the second isn't true. there's no one else i'd put my dukes up for. you and me for life, bro - that's a fact.

parachutes and airplanes

day three - your parents.

sometimes i wonder when i'll stop feeling like that little girl of years past, wondering what it would be like when i was tall like you. when you dropped me off at college and my eighteen-year-old self shed all self-confidence and clung to you and cried. when i was scared of the thunderstorm, but safe with you even if the house blew down.

the truth is, no matter how far away i am, no matter how grown-up i may seem to be, there will always be that little girl inside me who will call home for advice, who who will run to you with arms outstretched, who will trust you no matter what happens.

you gave me my life. you gave me everything i have. you made me everything i am. i would be nowhere without your love, a forgotten autumn leaf blowing away in the winter winds. instead, you gave me roots, and planted them deep in this crazy world, where i know i will grow and break through and grow tall above the rest. i owe it all to you. i love you.

i was enchanted to meet you

day two - your crush/boyfriend/girlfriend.

i don't ever want to forget the way i felt when i first met you, when i first knew you. how we were so nervous, like eighth graders dropped off at the movies together. running off into the dark and laying flat on our backs staring at the south bend sky as you told me about the stars in africa. the way just holding your hand on the quad made my heart pound harder than any kiss from before ever could.

the way i couldn't shake you from my back of mind even though you were the last thing i should have been worried about. the way i loved you before i even really knew it. the way you make every cheesy taylor swift song true for me. the way you made me happy, so purely and sincerely; the way in which my home is wherever you are.

maybe together we can get somewhere

day one - your best friends.

what is there that i can say to you that hasn't already been said? we are beyond what words can describe; we are in the territory where a hand on a shoulder can mean so much while a whole paragraph can mean so little. what is there between us that hasn't happened? we were thrown together and then pulled apart and then thrown back together and then pulled apart again. we have fought and cried and rolled our eyes and still, here we are, keeping track of our days through the signals we send through computer wires, through our thumbs tapping out texts and crackling voices from miles away. what can explain what we are? friends, roommates, classmates, surrogate sisters? we do not fall under categories contained in our language or any other. we are who we are, and i don't know how i got lucky enough to belong to it.

15 days

say something to each of these:

day one - your best friends.
day two - your crush/boyfriend/girlfriend.
day three - your parents.
day four - your sibling.
day five - your dreams.
day six - your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
day seven - someone you wish you could meet.
day eight - someone you wish could forgive you.
day nine - someone you've drifted away from.
day ten - the person you miss the most.
day eleven - the person that you wish you could be.
day twelve - the one that broke your heart the hardest.
day thirteen - the last person you kissed.
day fourteen - the person that gave you your favorite memory.
day fifteen - someone that changed your life.

for this moment to arise

two things that give me hope:



To be free is to know who we are, with all that is beautiful, all the brokenness in us; it is to love our own values, to embrace them, and to develop them; it is to be anchored ina vision and a truth but also to be open to others and so, to change. Freedom lies in discovering that the truth is not a set of fixed certitudes but a mystery we enter into, one step at a time.

-- Jean Vanier, Becoming Human


&


How shall I hold on to my soul, so that
it does not touch yours? How shall I lift
it gently up over you on to other things?
I would so very much like to tuck it away
among long lost objects in the dark,
in some quiet, unknown place, somewhere
which remains motionless when your depths resound.
And yet everything which touches us, you and me,
takes us together like a single bow,
drawing out from two strings but one voice.
On which instrument are we strung?
And which violinist holds us in his hand?
O sweetest of songs.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke, "Love Song"

the well-worn path

i am constantly amazed at how quickly life moves. i went back to notre dame this past weekend and in a way, it was like i had never left. being there felt so normal that it became weird. i felt as though i could stroll into ryan, and our room would be exactly the same as it was a year ago. i still felt like i belonged there - but how could i not belong? i don't know how to not belong. notre dame is one of the places that has taken up residency deep in my heart, with a piece that will never go away. driving away from the dome will always hurt a little bit, like pulling off a scab that's not quite ready yet. it was good to be back, but bittersweet.

this past weekend also officially marks a year since the accident. i guess i never realized until after what an awful time that was for me...being positive sure takes a lot out of you. i'm a little amazed at how i managed to be so determined to not let it ruin my year...but i guess that force of will is something that comes only and exactly when you need it. but damn, it felt good to tread that terrain with two feet again.

you held me down in this starless city

i feel like i've created a world for myself out of my nostalgia. why is it that we can only experience things once? if you want to look at it the pessimistic way - memory is only a lie, a sad reminder that these times that made your heart swell are gone, and that every time you recall them they'll be more and more blurry, until eventually you can't remember at all?

it's enough to make anyone lay down and cry.

and yet -

why is it that a simple bass line can get inside my soul? how is it that when i hear a certain song, i'm immediately transported to my sixteen-ear-old self in the throes of selfish adolescence, or my eighteen-year-old self throwing snowflakes in the air, or my twenty-year-old self tripping on cobblestones on the streets? why is it that a simple line of poetry can make my heart clench? why is it that so many verses and lyrics and lines stop me cold and make me think that yes, yes, this is what i have been trying to say all along?

the truth is, art is what keeps us here. it is what makes this life, these shining un-relivable moments strung together like christmas lights, less of a line and more of a circle. i firmly believe that we would die withough art, without musicians, without writers. we are the lifeblood of the world. engineers and businesspeople keep the world running--but we, the artists, give it a reason to run at all. there is too much beauty in the world to ignore it.

this is what gives me hope. the artists of the world have given me something to relate to, something to hang on to, something to love. someday i hope to give that to someone else, another twenty-something year old who is grasping at straws to follow their dreams.

just a stranger on the bus tryin' to make his way home

to this day the smell of airports and ck one brings me back to those days where i almost can't believe how carefree we were.

we lived hard and we never thought twice. i ran through the streets of london in flats so fast that i got pins and needles in my feet. we drank entire bottles of wine and danced in clubs, laughing. we spent money on cover and gin and tonics and theatre tickets and overpriced sandwiches for lunch. we went to movie premieres and shrieked as we reached out and jumped for a glance at someone famous. we took trains and planes to corners of the world we'd never seen before. we broke out of our shells because for once, in this city, we could be whoever we wanted to be.

i know it's pathetic but i still miss it more than i can say.

you're the only song i want to hear

i remember your face when we walked into the hot spicy air of the thai restaurant and to this day i can't help but burst out laughing at the memory. you shifted from foot to foot and rubbed sweaty palms together as we stood awkwardly in a dining room small enough to be a closet, and with a sheepish smile you slowly asked me if i wanted to go somewhere else. i remember those tentative early days as a sweet dream, all first dates and first kisses and long walks in the dark. i can't remember feeling the same way about anyone else, even the people i pined for, cried over, thought my heart would break over. the way i felt about you at the beginning was never full of anguish or guilt or stress. sometimes we bear our teeth and swipe our claws but when it's all over, curled up together like quotation marks, i know that the story of you and me are unlike anything i have ever scribbled out before.

i do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes

sometimes i wish i could live in a book, where everything is always just that much more extraordinary. no one writes about ordinary things, after all, that would make for boring reading. no matter how everyday or plain the main character is, something always happens that makes them more interesting, gives them that touch of uniqueness that you need for the plot of a book.

sometimes i think that no one would want to write about my life right now. in a way, things are exciting and changing, but there's not that strange bit of zaniness that could make it much more interesting, i guess. my interesting days are behind me. sometimes i feel like i could write a book about my college years and that would make for some good reading, but...now, in this city that thrives during the day but actually sleeps at night, i feel ordinary. happy, contended, surrounded by people i love...bur ordinary.

i guess i just want that extra spark and that is the reason why i'm itching to do something, go somewhere. maybe that's why i'm missing my whirldwind european days so much, because all i long for is to sleep where i can hear the sounds of the street, to gaze blearily at a city all lit up and bump shoulders with people in crowded squares and streets at night. dc isn't too shabby by any means, but it's way too full of career-minded people who don't have enough fun. don't get me wrong, i've had some great times here and have been meeting some great people, but everywhere i turn i am reminded of the "get ahead" mentality.

but i am not part of that. i can't be a part of that. i want to do something i love but how can a career be my first prority when there is travel and excitement and love and bright neon lights and life all around me in the world? dc can be lovely but in my heart i am feeling that it's a transitional place for me. i've got other places to see.

and it goes on and on and on

it's so funny to think that i've only lived about a quarter of my life. i feel like i've already been through so much of it, but it's crazy and slightly overwhelming to think about, well, how much MORE there is. i guess when i was little everything seemed so far away in the future that i never really thought about it.

i'm slowly getting adjusted to "real world" life, figuring out exactly what it's like (as opposed to this idea i had in my mind) and being me, living in a city...well as much as i can from my cricket-infested bethesda basement. it's weird because at the same time, i felt so much more independent in london than i do now (and before you ask, invisible reader, no, it's not because of boyfriend issues or the lack thereof...) - i guess there i really had no limitations and a whole ton less responsibility than i do now. and i guess more responsibility should mean less limitations but let's be honest, my life in london was eating, sleeping, drinking, traveling, and squeezing class in between all of that. no worrying about rent, no worrying about a job, how i'm going to get home at night...it was very carefree. even though i was broke most of the time, even though i worried myself sick with boy issues, none of the memories i have of london are marred by any of that. all i remember are the wonderful, amazing times i had in those four months and the feelings of overwhelming happiness that i associate with that whole time. i have said this before and it was so true - i was waking up for the first time after a very long sleep.

i have always thought about london a lot, but recently it's been a lot more frequent. maybe it's because i'm riding public transportation every day again, maybe it's because one of the summer interns in the office is heading back to school in london as i write, maybe it's a thousand other reasons why. either way, i have an itch to go back that started the day i left and has been growing stronger ever since. i'll go back someday, i know, but i'm starting to get impatient waiting for that day to come.

and don't even get me started on ND. fingers crossed for tomorrow.

i wanna be forever young

Things that are great:

Hearing a song for the first time that stops you cold. You're out somewhere, you hear it, it just stops you. You're convinced the moment you hear it - might be the greatest thing you've ever heard to date, and it has the power to change your life. Go with it, because thing 2 is related.

Seeing the one you love in a completely ordinary, random moment that you find beautiful and crystalline and epic, and it reminds you of why you love them in the first place: because of what's inside them. And trust me when I tell you this, that thing that happens with music happens with love. Believe in love at first sight, its as real as anything else in this life.

Thing three is the day when we don't have to mention the word "first" in conjunction with, say, Barack Obama or Katie Washington.

Thing four of the greatest things in life: Regis Philbin in any form.

Thing five is being from somewhere; being part of something larger than yourself. Its part of our identity as we go through life, and its a powerful thing. As of today, you went to Notre Dame...take in those bells when they play the alma mater, come back and visit Touchdown Jesus, and bring your kids to the grotto and buy them a quarter dog and tell them, tell them you didn't go to college - you went to Notre Dame.

-- Brian Williams

so this is the new year

i don't need glamour, i don't need money, i don't need fancy clothes. i don't need the top tier job or to be a VIP or fancy drinks at a club. all i need is a beer, a book, bright lights and this big city. work that changes the world. my goofball friends. and i know i can be happy.

freeway runnin' through the yard

where am i?

i know that i am currently in a little gray cubicle cubicle in a building at 1401 new york avenue in washington d.c. in the united states of america in north america in the northern hemisphere in the western hemisphere on the planet earth in our solar system in the milky way galaxy floating somewhere in the depths of space.

(can i get more specific than that?)

and yet. i don't know where i am.

i know the places that i belong to: parkland, florida; south bend, indiana; san jose, costa rica; san salvador, el salvador; london, united kingdom; rome, italy. washington isn't mine yet, i feel as though i'm hovering somewhere along the border, waiting for a sign as to whether i should call this place home, or float on to somewhere (anywhere?) else.

i feel as though graduation, moving on, is something i really haven't accepted yet. it goes much deeper than knowing that i won't be going back, even though i still feel like i'm waiting for something, somewhere else to go, in this constantly nomadic life of mine. i feel like my friends are slipping away slowly, because we keep in touch, yes, and we love each other fiercely...but people make new friends. life keeps splitting. i am afraid that everyone will forget me. i am afraid of being replaced.

most days i'm excited for my new life to grow, and i'm ready for new things, ready to try my hand at this crazy world where no one really ever sleeps.

but on rainy days like today, where the dc streets look like london in the gray light, and the rain smells just like in did crossing south quad in the middle of april....i wish i were on a plane, like my brother, heading somewhere i already know is home.

it's not where or what, it's who we were with

so i've come to the pretty obvious realization that i have the best friends in the whole world. now, you may be thinking, of course not, that's not possible because I have the best friends in the whole world, but let me assure you, you are wrong. how else could i explain that these girls are my adopted roommates, my surrogate sisters? how else could i tell you what these girls mean to me?

it's been four years of late nights, early mornings, laughter, clothes in each others' closets, crying into shoulders, hugs lit up by a thousand candles, closing down the bar, drunk videos, road trips, laying on the beach, dining hall people-watching, paper-writing sessions that last until morning, dancing on elevated surfaces, football games, inside jokes, marathon tv episodes, hand-holding (literal and figurative), raised fists, apology letters, music mixes, 3am pizza, secrets, confessions, endless message threads, giggling in church, singing in the basilica, playing catch, needing each other.

but in the end, what really matters is that in the last four years, we found true love - because no matter how crazy it is sometimes, there is nothing like the love of your best friends.

a thousand ways

i'm scrambling for ways to remember things i hope i will never forget. pictures of the insides of restaurants, nights that exist only in photo albums, ticket stubs, stains on shirts, every little detail that could bring back a barrage of good, bad, and in between times. and as i stand in the in-between of my own life, on foot in my youth and the other in the ever-elusive "real world," i can't help but wonder about when i will look back on these days and what my constantly-expanding mind will think of me. the sky is falling outside, thick fat raindrops that seem to never stop coming down. the thunder rolls as if to growl at me and say, get out of your pajamas, wash your hair and get on with your life. everything i have written, i have thought or said many times before, and still i can't seem to stop writing, as if the frantic staccato of my fingers on the keyboard will brand these memories into the binary of my mind. i never want to forget, but how can i stand to remember?

oh i've seen fire and i've seen rain

i never thought leaving notre dame would be this hard.

:(

just how this story ends

and i didn't really cry until i stood in front of the blazing mass of candles, radiating heat all around me, staring and staring and staring until i couldn't see from the blur in my eyes. and i cried. i cried, sobs that racked through me and made me shake. and everything passed through my mind all at once, every good time and bad time, every friend i made, every mistake i made, everything that made this place special for me. and i said thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you have given me notre dame du lac, our lady of the lakes.

and now i'm sitting in my almost-empty dorm room and it doesn't feel like when i leave it will be for real, for ever, for the last time - this place that i have made my home and this place that has made me who i am.

a little piece of me will always stay here. love thee notre dame. don't let me forget a single moment of you.

so scared of getting older, i'm only good at being young

and in these last moments, these last days of my last classes at the university of notre dame (!), i can't quite believe that we've made it all this way.

i look around my room in its state of disarray and think of all the seemingly ordinary things that the mere memory of will make my heart ache next year. my bright orange sheets. molly's always messy desk. countless pairs of crocs on the floor. an excess of cups, bowls, shot glasses, wine glasses, vases. molly's piccolo. angela's futon. drawers full of cans of soup and popcorn and random snacks. 330 to 146, full circle. we came here knowing nothing of how our throats would hurt after football games, or how the coldest winter nights would feel. how sweaty it really gets in a dorm party, or the glories of the candy wall in the huddle. how the first warm day feels in the spring, or the ease it takes to skip a class you hate. how the dome still manages to glow even on the cloudiest day, or how it feels when the ten girls you live with become your sisters, in a way.

i almost want to turn around and relive the past four years, just as they've been. every excitement, heartbreak, revelation, adventure, and nights stayed up until 4am watching friends or talking about anything at all. everything i have gone through with notre dame has brought me here: i don't have a job. i don't have money. but i do have friends. i have people that love me. and best of all, i know who i am.

i have said this before about many places, many things, but still: i am going to miss this like you can't imagine.

and all we are is all so far

i used to say i wanted to live in
rome,
boston,
new york,
london,
dc,

just like i could pack right up and move there and
sip my coffee on a tiny table on a busy city street
never thought about rent or money or jobs, no
just thought about me and my poetry and how
i didn't have to worry about i thing, i just needed
to get out, and live my exciting new life
all on my own.

i've got big dreams but they're not taking me anywhere
and i'm sittin' here stringing words into sentences
that all of six people will read (at most)

i can't build planes or spaceships or program a computer
i can't do any more school to save my life
so where do i fit in this giant plan everyone else seems to have?
why can't i do the one thing i love?

there's a big white curtain in front of me
and it's made of steel and i can't even put my eye
to a crack, because it's all welded shut.
steel blindfold, handcuffs on my eyes, gag on my brain.

this poem won't make me one cent
and yet, it is all i have
maybe i'm doing this all wrong but
tell me how could i do it all right?

come on and drive me wild

and i feel so cliche sometimes, sitting at my desk while it rains outside, contemplating to the tune of slow guitars. winter has finally melted away and it's spring, and everything is warm and soggy and just the way things should be. i can only ask myself what this spring will bring, because each one so far has been so different and wonderful. i feel like i'm starting to thaw, starting to wake up from the long sleep of winter. it's been a long time since my feet have both touched the ground. baby steps. little by little.

maybe i can't run across construction sites and jump fences just yet, but the mere fact that april is here reminds me of days where i'd sit and listen to matt nathanson and high school musical on repeat, with a stupid smile on my face that wouldn't go away. it doesn't feel like that long ago. my heart doesn't do backflips every time you walk in the room anymore, but every new day with you surprises me and makes me happier, not by leaps and bounds anymore but in the little ways that make me want to lay my head on your shoulder and love you forever.

you make me laugh like no one else. you still make me smile for no reason. you make me want to be better every day. it's not perfect and it will never be. but every day with you reminds me that every decision i made last year was the right one. i've never been so sure of anything in my life.

the things we do

And I think it's funny
that I will never enjoy banana pancakes
with you on a Sunday morning because you can't stand
the taste of bananas.

It's also funny
that you will never enjoy skiing
with me on a mountain because my bones will break so easily
and I'd fall on my face most likely.

I will never make you a peanut butter sandwich
for lunch and we will never enjoy fajitas
with green peppers together because
I hate them.

I will probably never see your wild side
and you will probably never see the side of me
that does things I regret.

but
(in between)
of our little lives and little likes and little selves

We will find a place where
I pick the bananas out of the batter
and you pick the peppers out of the pan

and it will be okay if one or two get through.

one night to speed up truth

today i realized that it is going to end.

molly always asks us if we've come to terms with the end. everyone usually responds with something like, "it'll be bittersweet," or "i'm excited, but kind of sad," or anything within that range. "no," molly always says, "not how you feel about it. i want to know if you have come to terms with the fact that graduation is actually happening, that this is all actually going to end."

and we chat about it, and muse about it, and everyone always says that it feels pretty surreal, that they don't know it yet.

but today, i realized that it is actually happening. in less than two months, it is going to end.

and i'm not sure i'm as ready for it as i think i've been.

graduating from the university of notre dame is completely different from eighth grade or high school graduation in almost every way. college is different because it is not only school, it is not only friends: it is a way of life. for four years, you eat, sleep and breathe college. i have spent more time in south bend in the past three and a half years than i have at my own home. notre dame, indiana became my home. i look back at myself as a freshman, and then look at myself now. i'm older, poorer, happier. i have felt things i didn't really know i could feel. i have done things i never really thought i would do. i have been at low points and high points. i have seen so much of the world and so much of who people really are. it's cliche, but i've learned just as much (if not more) outside the classrooms than in.

and still - this is a school. i got what i came here for: academic knowledge. true, i have had my fair share of classes i could care less about, but the ones that have made a difference were worth every penny my parents have spent. i have gone from a girl who likes books, to one who understands them. i have gone from a girl who likes writing, to a writer. i have figured out what i spent all of my confused high school years searching for: who i am. i don't feel lost anymore, at least not in that department, because i feel like for the first time in my life i really know.

i've learned what it's like to love. i've learned what it's like to truly appreciate your family. i've learned the meaning of keeping in touch. i've learned that you don't let the people that matter slip away that easily. i've learned that you can think something is love when really, you have no idea. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart bursting with happiness. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart break with sadness. i've learned what it's like to be a part of something bigger than you. i've learned the meaning of loyalty.

i've learned what it's like to lose a friend. i've learned that those who are there for you are more valuable than anything in the world. i've learned that the people who don't care are not worth your time. i've learned that faith is a choice, and that it is a choice i want to make. i've learned that the spring is that much better when you've gone through the winter. i've learned that life goes on and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it.

maybe the biggest thing i've learned is that we may feel like we're not ready for the next part of our lives, whatever it may be: new home, new school, new friends, new lovers, new anything. and it's always going to be a little scary and a little exciting to leave the old behind for the new. but anyways - the biggest thing i've learned is that we're all going to be okay. no matter how bad we think it is...we'll make it through. the test will be over. your heart will mend. you'll be home soon. you'll be back soon enough.

which brings me back to the beginning: it's going to end. and i'm not going to lie, i'm scared out of my mind. how can i leave this place so soon? this place that has held so much magic for me. i've lived through a lot of firsts and lasts here. there are times when i'm still in awe of how the dome can still shine even on the dreariest day. there are times when the sun is setting and the sky over south quad is still breathtaking. there are times when i know i will miss life chats that go on and on forever. there are times when i will miss every single little thing about this place and i will not know what to do with myself.

and then, then it'll be time to take my own advice: it will be okay. life goes on. i'm gonna miss this place to death...but at least i loved it enough to miss it that much.

they say bad things happen for a reason

if it weren't for my broken leg i'd be the happiest girl in the world. but if it weren't for you i would be the saddest, and to not be the saddest is all i can ask for.

don't let me give up on you

when everything's a white curtain you're not really sure where to go. laugh loudly and suffer quietly. shake the sand out of your hair let the sun burn your skin but in the end everyone always has to leave. sometimes i don't know what i'm really writing about anymore. all i want to do is go back to those places where i belonged: across the quad, across the country, across the sea. anywhere but here. these four walls close in too fast and the door is covered by a white curtain that just won't flutter aside. i'm screaming about broken things and hitting the keys on the keyboard like i'm playing my heart on the piano. take me back to the summer where all we had to do was drink beer and watch fireflies. now it's cold and i can't run around anymore but we're still happy, right? i still know how to be happy, right? everyone's a mess every once in a while, right? all i ask is that you don't let me give up on me. don't let me give up on you.

they say bad things happen for a reason

how does it feel?

impact. lights. blind blinder blinding.
it's numb. there's no pain.
nothing but the odd realization that your plans for the night/week/month/year have instantly changed.

there's no reason to cry. why would you cry when you feel no pain?

you whimper and you ask for the only people you want to see. other people come anyways. they put your neck in a brace and cut your clothes off and put an IV in your arm even though you've been afraid of IV's ever since you've known what they were. they ask for a number one through ten even though you're no good at gauging ballpark figures. you're inside an ambulance and you think ah, that's what they look like on the inside. you feel like you're floating above yourself, watching. your leg is at an uncomfortable angle and you're horrified to find that you can't move it to make it comfortable. you start crying when you realize you're going to miss the football game. you cry more when you realize you're going to miss the rest of the season.

you go into surgery and are so tired afterwards that you can't even stay awake to watch the game you cried over.

you spend an excruciating helpless horrible month and a half in a wheelchair and shower every other day in a little room all the way across campus. you eat less because your stomach shrinks since you're not using up the same amount of energy that you did when you could walk.

four months later you sit, one leg well and the other leg in a state of infuriating limbo. you still haven't walked. you almost don't remember what it's like so you bring to mind memories like the way cobblestones feel when you run over them, how your foot feels when you stamp your foot in a sandal, the way new grass tickles when you run through it. you reassure yourself that you remember, you remember, you remember.

you make fists and cry and furiously type out your frustrations every so often. people feel sorry for you and let you go into the elevator first. people call you a trooper when they see you out at a bar. people see you on your little university provided scooter and say things like i wish i broke my leg so i could get one of those. you want to punch those people the only thing they don't know is that you'd give anything to be unnoticed, to be just like everyone else, to walk as slow as everyone else. they don't have to deal with this crap along with everything else a normal college student normally does. yeah, it could be worse. but it doesn't matter because when it comes down to it, it still sucks.

you try and try to be as positive as everyone says you are, but it's hard when all you want to do is build a time machine to tell yourself not to cross the street. you're about to crack. everyone's patience runs out eventually. they tell you everything is possible, but for you it's all just out of reach, and you don't know the next time it will be.

so for now all you can do is wring your hands, smile, nod, shrug, and say it's coming along. because there's nothing else you can do if you want to keep yourself sane.

the whispers that it won't last

things i want need to do when i go back to london:

- greenwich/prime meridian
- BRITISH LIBRARY (how could i be so stupid???)
- re-do british museum
- go inside westminster abbey
- high tea at harrod's (or, if i'm poor, somewhere less expensive HA)
- buy something completely useless at the notting hill market
- go to world's end pub in camden
- BRICK LANE. INDIAN FOOD. 'nuff said.
- see romeo and juliet in the globe (this would really be circumstantial...but wouldn't it be AWESOME?!)
- re-do tower of london (it's been too long)
- go back to dovetail, jerusalem tavern, cheshire cheese, roadhouse, the zoo, o'neill's, exmouth...
- thoroughly explore regent's park
- actually go to gordon's wine bar
- REUNITE WITH CAFE CANOVA AND IT'S AMAZING TOMATO SOUP AND BAGUETTE GAHHHH
- stock up on chocolate/caramel digestives, hobnobs, those awesome crackers, bourbon cream cookies, custard cream cookies, those smoothie drink things, weird flavored potato chips, and CADBURY
- actually go to the icebar
- hampstead heath
- see phantom of the opera
- see les miz (again)

- to be continued...

taking a mental picture of you now

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life



take me back there. this city is in my bones and i can't get it out. <3

speeding so fast it felt like i was drunk

and even when i'm mad at you i can't help but love your stupid, stupid face. it's so not fair. and it's all your fault.

but if you try sometimes

exactly...except i would never wish i didn't love you, and i could write a thousand books and it still wouldn't come close to what i feel.

i want the world to see you be with me

five minutes to midnight and there you were on the other side of the sliding glass door, leaning on the bar, waiting as we all hovered on the other side waiting for you. i tapped the glass and you grinned and shrugged. two minutes to midnight and i decided it would be okay if we just smiled at each other through the glass because there would be plenty of time for kisses later. 10 9 8 the DJ said and suddenly there you were 7 6 5 forgotten gold chain of my purse still slung over your shoulder 4 3 2 and we didn't even get to say 1 and yes, it was a happy new year indeed.

and i know that it's so cliche

i don't know why it's now that i'm missing london so much, that i'm looking at old pictures and longing, or looking at old quotes and laughing. i see a picture of the parking garage next to our flats and want to cry. i pore over images of the city lit up like a birthday cake and wonder how it is that i lived there for four months like it was nothing, walked down those streets like it was nothing, cherished every moment but never realized how much i'd still miss it, even a whole year after leaving it. i don't think i've ever grown to love a city so much; it wasn't love at first sight but after winding my way through its intricacies every day i just can't forget it, can't shake it off. i can't imagine not going back, but i can't imagine it ever being the same. but i guess that's the thing about london, as it is with every good city: it's alive, it never stays the same, it breathes - and even though the worn cobblestones remain and the old buildings still stand, there will always be something different about that place and maybe that's why i love it so much.

for months after i always wondered if i had made the right choice. should i have tried harder for rome, the first city i ever loved, the beauty, the food, the ancient-ness of it all? or australia which everyone seemed to love so much - the sweeping landscapes, the crazy nights, crazy travels? or spain or mexico with a language i knew but a totally different culture? i watched abroad friend groups get stronger and others fall apart, while my own group of 20 dwindled down to about 6. but even though a big part of london, for me, was the people i met there, in the end it's not about that, and it's not about missing out on something i could've gotten if i had studied abroad somewhere else. it's about the way i felt when i walked across blackfriars bridge in the sunshine. it's about standing on the balcony of the national gallery looking down at trafalgar square. it's about marveling at every item in sainsbury's and laughing at weird flavors of potato chips we wouldn't be able to find in the USA. it's about standing on that spot on the globe stage and hearing my voice echo around me. it's about the triumphant satisfaction i felt the first time i squeezed onto the tube in the nick of time, and the first time i navigated my way inside king's cross without having to look at the signs. it's about the very first time i ordered a drink at a pub, the way i wanted to cry before the first act ended in les miserables, the way my feet were numb after running all the way to school in a skirt and flats, the way i could walk down the streets of london at night and feel totally safe, like i was home.