one night to speed up truth

today i realized that it is going to end.

molly always asks us if we've come to terms with the end. everyone usually responds with something like, "it'll be bittersweet," or "i'm excited, but kind of sad," or anything within that range. "no," molly always says, "not how you feel about it. i want to know if you have come to terms with the fact that graduation is actually happening, that this is all actually going to end."

and we chat about it, and muse about it, and everyone always says that it feels pretty surreal, that they don't know it yet.

but today, i realized that it is actually happening. in less than two months, it is going to end.

and i'm not sure i'm as ready for it as i think i've been.

graduating from the university of notre dame is completely different from eighth grade or high school graduation in almost every way. college is different because it is not only school, it is not only friends: it is a way of life. for four years, you eat, sleep and breathe college. i have spent more time in south bend in the past three and a half years than i have at my own home. notre dame, indiana became my home. i look back at myself as a freshman, and then look at myself now. i'm older, poorer, happier. i have felt things i didn't really know i could feel. i have done things i never really thought i would do. i have been at low points and high points. i have seen so much of the world and so much of who people really are. it's cliche, but i've learned just as much (if not more) outside the classrooms than in.

and still - this is a school. i got what i came here for: academic knowledge. true, i have had my fair share of classes i could care less about, but the ones that have made a difference were worth every penny my parents have spent. i have gone from a girl who likes books, to one who understands them. i have gone from a girl who likes writing, to a writer. i have figured out what i spent all of my confused high school years searching for: who i am. i don't feel lost anymore, at least not in that department, because i feel like for the first time in my life i really know.

i've learned what it's like to love. i've learned what it's like to truly appreciate your family. i've learned the meaning of keeping in touch. i've learned that you don't let the people that matter slip away that easily. i've learned that you can think something is love when really, you have no idea. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart bursting with happiness. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart break with sadness. i've learned what it's like to be a part of something bigger than you. i've learned the meaning of loyalty.

i've learned what it's like to lose a friend. i've learned that those who are there for you are more valuable than anything in the world. i've learned that the people who don't care are not worth your time. i've learned that faith is a choice, and that it is a choice i want to make. i've learned that the spring is that much better when you've gone through the winter. i've learned that life goes on and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it.

maybe the biggest thing i've learned is that we may feel like we're not ready for the next part of our lives, whatever it may be: new home, new school, new friends, new lovers, new anything. and it's always going to be a little scary and a little exciting to leave the old behind for the new. but anyways - the biggest thing i've learned is that we're all going to be okay. no matter how bad we think it is...we'll make it through. the test will be over. your heart will mend. you'll be home soon. you'll be back soon enough.

which brings me back to the beginning: it's going to end. and i'm not going to lie, i'm scared out of my mind. how can i leave this place so soon? this place that has held so much magic for me. i've lived through a lot of firsts and lasts here. there are times when i'm still in awe of how the dome can still shine even on the dreariest day. there are times when the sun is setting and the sky over south quad is still breathtaking. there are times when i know i will miss life chats that go on and on forever. there are times when i will miss every single little thing about this place and i will not know what to do with myself.

and then, then it'll be time to take my own advice: it will be okay. life goes on. i'm gonna miss this place to death...but at least i loved it enough to miss it that much.