i wish i was brave enough to post this where she would see it.

i'm sorry you're still living in the past. i'm sorry i wanted to get out of this state and make something of myself. i'm sorry i have a life up in south bend. i'm sorry that the friends i made there are just as amazing as the friends i have here. i'm sorry i miss them.

i'm sorry you never picked up when i called you three times on your birthday. i'm sorry you only sent me a text message on mine. i'm sorry we're not in high school anymore. i'm sorry things can't be the same again.

i'm sorry i'm not the person i was in high school anymore. i'm sorry that i laugh a little more and cry a little more and drink a little more and love a little more. i'm sorry i finally figured out what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. i'm sorry i did it all without any help from you.

i'm sorry you're always busy all the time. i'm sorry that the one day you weren't, you'd rather sleep than spend time with me. i'm sorry i live forty-five minutes away from you. i'm sorry your phone line apparently doesn't work your way.

i'm sorry you resent that my life is moving on. i'm sorry yours never did. i'm sorry i'm not allowed to drive five hours to gainesville. i'm sorry my parents won't let me take a bus. i'm sorry you hold no interest in even trying to come visit me. i'm sorry it's never your fault.

most of all, i'm sorry i'm not sorry at all.

now i only waste it dreaming of you

words are too soft for me tonight. my fingers bang at the keyboard because i need them to feel something-- anything, anything that will help me forget that i'm all alone.

so i listen to all the fast songs and bite my lip and long for everything that i can't have. i haven't spoken to you in a whole day and it's already too long. my brain gets it but my heart just can't comprehend-- why are you so far away? why are you gone for so long?

tears linger behind my eyes but i'm not letting them fall. i am not defeated yet.

but i know i can't last for long.

get me away from here, i'm dying

i haven't really written in days. i'm tired, and i can feel it in everything i do. i want to curl into a ball and hide inside myself, because it's safe there. i'm not sad but i'm not happy either. i am full of waiting, waiting, waiting-- but waiting for what?



do we stand a chance?

let that be enough

dios mio, no puedo. no puedo.

i feel like i'm drowning.

first taste of love

i am in a very odd mood right now. i kind of want some milk. what is up with me wanting milk all the time all of a sudden?

the person i miss the most is a million miles away. i feel kind of empty.

we're going to the beach tomorrow. i feel like i should be more excited than i am.

i put new picture on my walls a couple of nights ago. i'm surrounded by pictures of the people i wish i could see in the flesh. all the pictures from march on are extremely bright and colorful. the ones from before are a little drab. it kind of reflects that whole semester, doesn't it?

i don't know even know why i'm the tiniest bit hurt about them planning out a DC trip without me. after all, i AM planning a DC/NY trip without them. (speaking of which, i can go now!) i shouldn't care. except i do. it's a bit of a conundrum.

sometimes these songs tug on my heartstrings until i feel the tears behind my eyes. for some reason, i can't cry.

sometimes i feel like i miss him so much it transcends emotion. it's like a grudging acceptance, a part of every day, just like getting up in the morning or going to work or putting on my shoes. i do it without thinking, and i take it the way it is.

but still: i need you so much closer.

fuck.

i got a C in brit lit.

not only am i incredibly disappointed in myself, now i might not even be able to go to new york. furthermore, i might not be able to go to visit dave in july either. which means i won't see him until august.

i don't even know what i'm going to do.

the fabric is about to fray

being home is ... weird. like, it's good, but so strange at the same time. i haven't really done much ... my birthday was nice, i had a lot of good food, but that's basically it. it IS nice to be warm again (finally!), but i miss 3W and i miss constant contact and i miss dave and i miss everything that came with being at notre dame. i guess the good stuff definitely overweighed the bad stuff. this year was so hard in some aspects, but amazing in others. and if it hadn't been for the bad stuff, i wouldn'tve found the people that really matter.

it still hurts a little to look at paula-theresa-lisa-rose and see how easily i've been erased. lisa and rose and theresa say that we're still friends, that they still care, but how much of that am i supposed to believe? i understand not wanting to burn bridges, i understand not wanting to get involved, but for them it's like spring break never happened. and in my opinion, what happened was too crazy to gloss over.

*sigh* oh well. i always have trouble with this anyways.

i miss my girls.
june 18 cannot come soon enough.

you know that you've been on my mind

i feel the need to document this feeling because i haven't felt this happy in a long time.

1. nice wakeup this morning at 1o.
2. felt pretty today. :)
3. barely saw my negative energy-exuding roommate.
4. cuddling, etc. with dave. ;D
5. parents came today!!
6. went out to dinner with fambly and dave.
7. grotto with my girls.
8. the return of de-fence with cat.



today, right now, i remembered why i love it here so much and why i love my friends and why it'll hurt so much to leave.

i'm gonna cry so much when i have to say goodbye.

lost for you i'm so lost for you

things i can't wait to go back to:
- the beach.
- my friends.
- FAMILY.
- my guitar.
- playing video games with my brother.
- driving my car.
- being warmer outside than inside.
- afternoons after the beach, sun-dried and sandswept.
- sweet tomatoes with the kids.
- ice skating where we're the only college students there.
- hanging out in sandy's car.
- driving with kaitie.
- reading all day.
- sleeping in my huge bed.
- going to the library.
- family dinners.

things i am going to miss so much it hurts:
- 3W.
- david james mezzanotte.
- walks around campus at twilight.
- warm notre dame nights (the few and far between).
- studying/talking in katie and angela's room.
- standing for 4 hours during football season.
- steak sandwiches from knights of columbus.
- basilica mass.
- trips to the grotto, night or day, happy or sad.
- running in the snow.
- sledding.
- group dinners.
- random movie nights.
- random drunken nights (ex. fisher zoo, apples to apples with apples)
- notre dame in the fall.
- afternoons of leisure after classes are over.
- the wall of achievement.
- american idol nights.
- waking up to a lake view.
- late nights in lafortune.
- IMing people from a foot away.
- cuddling under the covers.
- everything.