i feel like i'm getting older and younger at the same time. one half of me could watch lightning bugs and fireworks forever and never get tired of it; the other half just wants to finish school already and get out there and see the whole wide world. one half of me just wants to graduate and the other half tears up just thinking about it. i long for both the future and the past. writing my name in sparklers takes me back to when i was four years old in el salvador on christmas eve. nochebuena and the dress-up kit i got that year. costa rica and all the christmas parties at siba's house. waiting on the worn red carpet on the stairs every christmas morning. waking aly up at 1pm to do puzzles. y2k. that one new year's where the power went out and my brother and i slept in the trundle bed and made as much noise as two kids could make when the clock turned twelve. hermit crab races on the beach. roller skates in the driveway and the ice cream man.
and still - here i am, hoping and wishing and laughing and loving and finally having some semblance of the life teenagers usually have in high school. i guess i really did get to be a starving college student. i miss the beach more than usual. i miss the way the sky looks in front of my house at dusk. i miss running around the block and flopping down underneath the tree with the red flowers, with the branches that sweep the ground. it's funny how i never thought i loved that place until i left it. i miss my dad's dinners and "good morning sunshine" from my mom and guitar hero with my brother. but at the same time i know that even though i miss it, this is where i want to be. i'm sitting here in my room typing while the smell of firework smoke wafts through my window. my heart and my eyes are way too full with way too much. maybe the reason i have to cry is because everything is spilling over 'cause it doesn't fit inside me.
i'm scared of the future. but at the same time, i'm not scared at all. i guess my life plan is just different than everyone else's because i don't know where or what i'm going to be ("when i grow up...") - but somehow, i can keep the faith that the people i love will never leave me. as long as i have someone by my side, that is all i really need.
and still - here i am, hoping and wishing and laughing and loving and finally having some semblance of the life teenagers usually have in high school. i guess i really did get to be a starving college student. i miss the beach more than usual. i miss the way the sky looks in front of my house at dusk. i miss running around the block and flopping down underneath the tree with the red flowers, with the branches that sweep the ground. it's funny how i never thought i loved that place until i left it. i miss my dad's dinners and "good morning sunshine" from my mom and guitar hero with my brother. but at the same time i know that even though i miss it, this is where i want to be. i'm sitting here in my room typing while the smell of firework smoke wafts through my window. my heart and my eyes are way too full with way too much. maybe the reason i have to cry is because everything is spilling over 'cause it doesn't fit inside me.
i'm scared of the future. but at the same time, i'm not scared at all. i guess my life plan is just different than everyone else's because i don't know where or what i'm going to be ("when i grow up...") - but somehow, i can keep the faith that the people i love will never leave me. as long as i have someone by my side, that is all i really need.
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