if i could just see you tonight

restless restless restless is what i am. everything feels too small for me. i am missing everything all at once. i want to get up and pace around. i want to curl up in bed with a book. i want to wander the beach at night. i want to wake up in maryland, new york, south carolina, indiana. too many places. too many faces. i have a stash of bottled moments hidden under my pillow but the corks are screwed on too tight. i don't know what to feel anymore. the problem isn't that i'm unsure of everything-- on the contrary, i'm sure of more things than i have ever been. the problem is that since i am sure of everything, i now have everything to lose.



i wrote this after a night on the beach:
star light, star bright. let me pick out a constellation in your eyes, on your skin. it's dark but i can still see you shine. ask me about the milky way, stardust sprinkled across the sky, around us within me within you. the moonlight stretches its pale fingers and the stars run away, as far as the eye can see. no lights, more stars, and as yet another one streaks across the sky, i am feeling more and more like home.



i want to go back.

this is just a half-life

i'm so lonely.

you're like a test i can't fuck up

and so it begins.

again.

i don't know why this always turns my stomach to knots.

i tell myself to breathe but my body doesn't listen; and my chest constricts and i feel like i can't breathe and the tears balance behind my eyes, on the verge of falling-- but i won't let them.

it's always so hard being the one left behind.

everything i know and love is somewhere else; somewhere that is not here. i miss everything. i miss everyone. there are days when the tiny pieces of me that are spread around the nation all hurt in unison; this is one of those days.

so here i am, chin in my hands, fingers typing furiously as i tell myself that it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay. the more times i say those words the stranger they sound; until they're not words at all, but a cacophony of syllables said in rhythm. breathe in, breathe out. i'm okay, i'm okay. carefully calculated sounds that let me stop thinking, at least for a few minutes. because the minute i start thinking is the minute i let those tears fall.

i just want to catch you if i can

http://www.mediafire.com/?jof0cgypexx

sometimes this boy just makes me want to smile forever.

i always cry at endings

today is my most nostalgic day so far.

well, technically yesterday, since it is now officially july 1st.

i miss so much. i miss notre dame. i miss the way the sky looked as the sun was going down. i miss the lakes. i miss lafortune-- late nights, coffee breaks, cini-minis and starbucks before my 10:40, subway rendevous. i miss lewis. i miss the halls of 3W. i miss notre dame's obsession with dances. i miss botched peppermint patties with my girls. i miss section dinners and i miss conversations that somehow always came back to sex and penises and i miss alex being our personal bartender. i miss nights that we'd stay up 'till 3, 4am just talking. i miss shopping at target, playing at being all grown up. i miss the walk to debartolo on that one sunny day in the middle of february, when i'd take off my gloves for three minutes because for those three minutes, it actually felt warm. i miss the dining hall and shoestring fries and the copious amounts of salt i could pour onto everything. i miss fro-yo and sitting and talking so long that it'd melt, uneaten. i miss the grotto and i miss how it'd make everything better and i miss how even if it couldn't, it'd give me hope. i miss game nights and i miss how they'd always play uno without me. i miss irreverent games of apples to apples and losing at cranium and boggle battles with dave and text twist with molly at three in the morning. i miss wandering into angela's room and collapsing on her futon. i miss the big pink chair. i miss how the hallway became extensions of our rooms. i miss looking out my window in the morning and seeing the lakes and the trees. i miss walking around campus at night. i miss exploring classrooms and the basement of neiuwland and the sports memorabilia in the JACC. i miss the brownson courtyard. i miss laying out on the quad in the spring. i miss every single little cheesy notre dame event. i miss the leaves in the fall. i miss steak sandwiches and hot dogs and irish music pouring out the windows of zahm and st. ed's. i miss the campus teeming with people on friday mornings. i miss the stadium. i miss doing push-ups. i miss having campus hold its breath on saturdays as most of the faculty and student body watched football players tackle each other on the field. i miss going to mass in the basilica and hearing the choir. i miss study sessions in the library where all we'd do is IM each other from across the table and giggle. i miss sharing stories about "last night." i miss everything.