i'll be chasing you the rest of my life

I've been thinking about London and next semester a lot lately ... it's starting to get a little scary now. I guess when I found out I got in I went from one extreme to another ... at first I was completely shying away from it, and I even toyed with the idea of not telling anyone that they had accepted me, and then rejecting it and going on with life as normal. And I came to my senses-- I went to the Grotto and I prayed about it and I talked to my parents and I talked to Dave ... the pathetic thing is that the real reason I let myself be happy with/okay with/excited about going is because of the reaction of the latter. Which was, you know, the right thing to do, and I'm really glad that he reacted the way he did, but ... while I'm really looking forward to it, I'm also dreading it.

The thing is, what am I going to DO? It'll be like the summer except completely different because ... well, because it's NOT the summer. I'm gonna miss a bunch of important milestone-y things, like his birthday and our 2 years. Not to mention the fact that I'm going to miss him terribly (duh). It's not that I'm getting cold feet about going, I just ... I guess I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. You know? I really want to enjoy it, and have the best possible time that I can, but in order to do that I CAN'T be miserable like I was over the summer. That's just not an option. (Worst summer ever, btw-- but that's besides the point, so, yeah.)

I dunno. 2008 is shaping up to be a pretty frickin' awesome year, so maybe that bodes well for the second half as well? I hope so.

In other news, I am so excited for the summer ... I don't think I've been this excited for any summer my whole entire life. I get to be home again (FINALLY), see my family, actually see my friends because we'll all be home, have a legit birthday, hopefully get a better job (crossing my fingers for Barnes & Noble), and hopefully go visit Dave in Kiawah ... which would be SWEET. Mostly I just want to be HOME again!! Ahh....

But yeah. I have to go proofread some more stories and read some more books and write some more papers ... good times ... except I'll probably turn on the Lizzie McGuire movie because I am lame and still miss Rome to death, haha. Wish me luck.

strong enough to break

It's kind of interesting to look at things and see how Rome has really changed my perspective so much ... everything seems so much smaller, problems seem a lot more trivial when I look at the big picture. Sure, I still worry about things, but within that worry is a calm, deep down. Walking around campus today I felt so free, like I could do anything. I felt so sure I could take charge of my future. I sat in Waddicks and wrote, went to the Snite and wrote, and then as I walked back to Lewis I looked up at the blue sky and felt truly happy.

I have my pillar to lean on-- I've just got to keep it here. I can't let this feeling fade.

amazing.

ajhdkjahkjfdsjkjfsd. Definitely one of the greatest moments of my life. I miss it so much.

misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye

Okay. I need to snap out of it. I've been listening to the same 3 songs all day. The play count on iTunes is kind of embarrassing.

BUT GAH I MISS IT SO MUCH.

Things were so much simpler there ... now I actually have to deal with life. And duplicitous people. I hate to say it but I'll be glad when this semester is over. :(

i miss it so much :(

I wrote this on the night of March 23rd:

It's the night of Holy Saturday and I'm here in the church, waiting. I feel like this has been a week of waiting --for God, for an epiphany, for myself-- and finally, the moment of truth has arrived. I've always said that I've been standing on the edge of something big-- and tonight, maybe tonight, I'll topple over the edge. The light in the church will illuminate my soul, and I'll be able to see the other side of the mountain.

I've been put on this earth for a reason. And here I am, trucking my notebooks halfway across the world, looking for that reason. Writing is one half of my soul; this city and all it contains completes it. I could come back a million times, I could live here my whole life-- and I still wouldn't see it all. I couldn't see it all. There are old things and new things, constant things and changing things. I've been here four times (so many, yet so few!) and each Rome I have seen has been a different one.

I would say this place is magical, but really, it's more than that. It's as if a piece of my heart has been buried in this sacred ground, and it is only returned to me when I come back, and back and back and back. And while it feels like home, we are a midget and a majesty-- even standing next to a column at St. Peter's or St. Paul's makes me feel like I'm inches tall. And I am-- but at the same time, I am a tiny piece of the mosaic that is the Eternal City. It may be too flattering to say that, but I feel as much a part of this place as it is a part of me.

i've got the wandering blues

Here I am, in the cold midwest, and all my heart longs for is to be across the Atlantic right now. I feel my heart wrench towards the west; I am happy to be back, and I am thankful for those that I love, but there is a loneliness that permeates my soul. I long for the simple clarity of those ten days, when I was certain about things, even though I still had confusion and doubt. I had real, physical pillars to lean on-- I now must rely on pillars of faith.

I didn't think it would be so hard right away, I didn't think I'd miss it so much. True, every time I've gotten onto a plane leaving Rome I've longed for it to turn right back around, but this time the ache is heartwrenching. I've never felt it more strongly in my life. I've been hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard, I've been sleeping in odd patterns, and I've listening to that song over and over again. 'I'll quit my wanderin' ways one of these days.' I feel like I'll always be wandering back to those cobblestoned streets ... I only wish I could stop wandering and be there forever.

whisper words of wisdom

Seriously, Let It Be is my frickin' anthem. Nobody could ever do it quite like the Beatles did. :)

Let's not lie here: life is hard right now. I'm super stressed and exhausted and emotionally drained, and in a way I wish I weren't traveling because I have to deal with the stress of that, too. But at the same time, I'm going to Rome, my favorite place on the planet, and it'll be nice to get away and have time to really think about things, you know? I will miss everyone terribly, but this is definitely gonna be a good thing.

I'm gonna be okay.

oh man.

If I've learned anything in life, it is that everything happens for a reason.

:)