why does it take a catastrophe to start a revolution if we're so free

I forgot how much I love musicals until I listened to tick, tick...BOOM! last night ... oh man. Brings me back to senior year and my 25 burned CDs of obscure Broadway/off-Broadway/off-off-Broadway musicals. Good times. Maybe I'll pull some of those out of my dusty CD case this summer and blast 'em in the car like old times.

And maybe KConway and I can pop in the RENT movie soundtrack and go get caramel iced lattes with whipped cream and sugar at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through...

You know, I don't ever wish that I could do high school again, but some of those memories shine so golden that I just want to reach out and hold them in my hand.

we've got big plans in sight

i'm over it. it's over.

i didn't realize it, but it was really over a long time ago.

i don't need this. i don't need them. no, i don't need to surround myself with people who make me feel bad about myself. i've found my kind of people, the right kind of people, and that, my friends, that is what i need right now and forever.

i guess i'm just lucky that i found the right kind of people before everything fell apart with the wrong ones.





live for today, we'll dream tomorrow
we've got big plans in sight
we'll take this city, and by nightfall, the bright lights are calling
everything is going our way, everything is just as we planned
this is our future for what we've heard
and i've still got your hand

and it feels like we could last forever
and i'm not doing this alone

when memories fade, we've got each other
when time and confusion collide, singing "i hold it all when i hold you"
when friends walk other ways, we've got each other
i hold it all when i hold, i hold it all when i hold you

we fell on hard times, this isn't the ideal
we're miles from home
doing the best that we can, best that we can
i won't do this without you, won't do this without you so take heart
'cause you know that you have mine

and it feels like we could last forever
and i'm not doing this alone

when memories fade, we've got each other
when time and confusion collide, singing "i hold it all when i hold you"
when friends walk other ways, we've got each other
i hold it all when i hold, i hold it all when i hold...

it's not about the money we make
it's about the passions that we ache for
what makes your heart beat faster
tell me now, what does your body ache after
i don't care now where we live
it's not where or what, or who we were with
i just need you in my life, so promise me again

when memories fade, we've got each other
when time and confusion collide, singing "i hold it all when i hold you"
when friends walk other ways, we've got each other
i hold it all when i hold, i hold it all when i hold you
-- anberlin, time & confusion

gyugfyusgafgsdjfs.

i am kind of astonished and disgusted at the maturity levels of some people right now.

sever the tie, sever the tie with you

this song pretty much says all i want to say about a certain person right now. (like they said, they write it better than i ever felt it.)




i am such a sucker, and i'm always the last to know
my insides are copper, i'd kill to make them gold
conversation got me here, another night alone in the city, so
make this bed the grave and shovel dirt onto my sheets

every friend we ever had in common
i will sever the tie, sever the tie with you
you can thank your lucky stars
that everything i wish for will never come true

when you go, i will forget everything about you
when you go, i will forget everything about you

i've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you

turn this up, i'll tune you out
another night alone in the city, yeah
fake it like you matter, that's a lie we can both keep

when you go, i will forget everything about you
when you go, i will forget everything about you

-- fall out boy, sending postcards from a plane crash (wish you were here)

and it seems everlasting

So I should be studying for Italian right now, or sleeping, but since I'm a) Michelle and b) in college, I'm gonna do none of the above and write about songs that really remind me of this year in particular.

crank dat soulja boy - great beginning, i know ... but yeah. this song reminds me of the very end of the summer (dave's sister and i tried to learn the dance when i visited them in august), and at the beginning of the school year it was all the rage. i remember when, on the first day back at ND, ange and analisa and kenzie and paula and i all tried to learn it. i got sick of it after halloween, but even though i refuse to listen to it ever again, it still makes me laugh a little. (plus, it makes for excellent spring break memories, haha).

do you know? (the ping pong song); enrique - totally reminds me of the beginning of football season when we'd play beer pong before every game. hahaha love it.

apologize; one republic - this is kind of a last year song, but it got SUPER popular this year so that's what i associate it with. makes me think of asian allure (haha), thanksgiving, and theresa during the b. o'rourke drama.

take my breath away; berlin - dave and i watched top gun, and then we played the music video for this song and slow danced right then and there in his room. it was probably one of the sweetest/most romantic moments of my life. :)

forever young; youth group - another inside joke song with dave and me ... plus, it reminds me of the o.c., season 3, the DVDs of which theresa and i watched religiously through the first half of the first semester.

ohio (come back to texas); bowling for soup - this one's pretty bittersweet-- definitely reminds me of paula, lisa, theresa, rose and i before fall break.

cyclone; baby bash ft. t-pain - definitely an angela song. i think pretty much everyone thinks this is an angela song, hahaha.

last christmas; various artists - whether it was the hilary duff version, the ashley tisdale version, the savage garden version, or the jimmy eat world version, lisa rose and i listened to this song waaaay too many times over thanksgiving break. it also reminds me of lisa's workout playlist: last christmas, and sandstorm (twice!). :)

low; flo-rida - BASKETBALL SEASON! they played this before/during every home game. :) plus, kj had actual boots with the fur, which was awesome.

hey leonardo (she likes me for me); blessid union of souls - remember the night that i got drunk and got super mad at dave and we had our big fight and our big talk and we both cried? well, that night, before i sent him the mean text messages (*cringe*), this song was playing in brian/rohan's room while we were playing beer pong. after that, though, this song reminds me of exactly what the title says: he likes me for me.

bye bye bye; *nsync - lewis formal! plus, cat totally learned the entire bye bye bye dance.

sweetest girl; wyclef jean feat. akon, lil wayne, niia - probably the most bittersweet song of the bunch. playing it over and over in my room and dancing/singing with paula. requesting it at the lewis formal, hearing the dj say he didn't have it, and then freaking out at hearing it play 20 minutes later. the first couple days of spring break. i'll admit-- this song 100% reminds me of paula. and it makes me really sad because while it could never, ever be the same again (and while i would never want it to be the same again) ... i honestly miss her sometimes.

first week; graham colton band - dave and i saw graham colton in concert at legends this year, and it's definitely in my top 3 best shows i've seen. this song will forever remind me of dave and spring break and waking up to the sun coming through the window, and seeing him sleeping next to me.

jump on it; sir mix-a-lot - technically, this is also a freshman year song, but after bendy's epic 30 minutes of jump on it, i can't ignore it. awesome memories. awesome times.

american pie; don mclean - at the playground on spring break (right before the shit hit the fan, actually), wahle and i sang the entire seven minutes of this song from memory-- with help from bendy and the "southern indiana version." "drink a beer! drink a beer with my fucked up friends!" this song will forever remind me of mike wahle and of bendy. love those kids to death.

all the world tonight; graham colton band - the lyrics of this song get to me every time i listen to. mostly they remind me of spring break: the good times, the bad times, and the lessons learned. this song also kind of represents a lot of growth for me, in realizing who i am, what i want to do with my life, and who my real friends are. it's another bittersweet one, but more bitter than sweet.

the littlest birds; the be good tanyas - ROME. ashley playing the ukelele. the last night, all of us sitting in a circle around the chocolate and the wine, never wanting to leave. the final concert in the airport. singing the song the whole drive back to south bend. listening to it over and over again after i was back, wishing more than anything that i could do the whole week over again.

country roads; john denver & wagon wheel; old crow medicine show - muffy and tess and i sang/played these one night, sitting in tess's room with a uruguayan guitar. little memories like that sneak up on me when i least expect it.

georgia; hanson - this song is beautiful. it got me through the really hard weeks right after i got back from home, through the cita thing, and through the paula debacle. tugs at the heartstrings, this one.

see you again; miley cyrus - KENZIE'S SONG. haha, i actually kind of hate this song, but i secretly love it because of the middle-school-oriented lyrics and catchy tune. plus, it's basically the anthem of 3W.

love in this club; usher - ANGE'S SONG. i will never forget that night in the library where we listened to this song/giggled for twenty minutes straight. good times. :)

always be my baby; david cook - this will always remind me of watching american idol with theresa and lisa and rose. despite everything that has happened, american idol had always been our thing and it never really changed. :)

hide and seek; imogen heap - this song will probably forever remind me of right now, these few weeks at the end of the year. the only way to describe it is heartbreakingly beautiful.


And that's pretty much it for now.

this is written about so many things

the cursor blinks on the screen before me. blink, blink, blink in an endless rhythm, in time with the hum of the hard drive. the words on the screen blur either from staring or from crying-- i'm not even sure which one it is. i'm listening to songs that tug on my heartstrings; they make me build montages in my mind to grand swells of music, they make me film a movie scene in my head where we're all standing in a circle, praying, like we did that one enchanted night. the worst part of life is that things always end. they always have to end.

sometimes it's not fair. this life is too bittersweet-- there are no hellos without goodbyes. everythings ends. people leave. and when they do, they leave a space that can't be filled until they come back, unless they come back.

sometimes, people don't come back.

maybe it's 'cause they won't. maybe it's 'cause they can't. there are some kinds of gone that can't be reversed. and yeah, it hurts. it hurts, and that's the only time you really have to deal with the emptiness. every other time, the space they leave is filled with hope and anticipation-- all building up to the moment when they return, and that hope is replaced with the real thing.

when they're gone, though, is when the space is left, torn open like a gaping wound. there's no way to fill that space-- it's like a square peg in a round hole, like a puzzle piece that just doesn't quite cut it. but like that puzzle piece, you can't force it in there. you can't fill the space with something that doesn't fit. so what do you do? you cry a little, and you hurt a little, or maybe you do a lot of both. but after that, you just have to let it be. a piece is missing, yeah, but the rest of the puzzle is still there, still together. it's not going anywhere.

and that's how life is, i guess. it's not about making every single little thing work-- making every puzzle piece fit. because the truth is, not every little thing is gonna work-- and if we think that it will, we will never be happy. no-- you have to let yourself hurt. you have to let yourself cry. you have to let yourself feel. but after that, get on with it. life doesn't come without these things, but we can decide whether we let them reign over our lives.

so embrace it. open your arms wide and take it all in: the things that hurt you, the things that heal you, the weights, and the feathers. laugh. cry. scream. smile. feel. do you really want to go through life numb? don't be an ice cube. don't freeze, and don't melt. instead, be liquid: sometimes it's salty like tears, but it flows. it moves. it continues.
and so you will continue.

don't let yourself forget. don't ever stop remembering. but don't be stationary, waiting for "what happens next." don't let the memories keep you stuck in the past; instead, let them propel you forward. do everything you used to do, but this time, make it mean more. life is useless without meaing.

define life. define yourself. you may not be webster, but you are who you are. nobody knows you better than you know yourself-- you may not know the back of your hand, but trust me, you know the inside of your soul.

i can see all the world tonight

it's 12:15; we came together from all directions. we stood around a puddle in a circle and looked at our reflections as everyone arrived-- left. right. left. back. front. around. we made out each other's silhouettes and waved from the other side of the grotto in the dark. the minutes ticked and then there we were, all together.

"let's go," we whispered.

and so we walked towards the candles, slowly and deliberately, as one only walks in the grotto. it overflowed with candles-- light poured from all directions, spilling onto the ground. we handed each other new ones and lit them alone. the flickering of the candles lit up our faces for seconds at a time, and it was like seeing a new person with every new burst of light.

and then, we knelt. the hard wood is always a little cold and always hurts my knees a little, but it never matters-- i always forget after a minute or two. we closed our eyes, or we opened them; we looked around, or our gaze stayed rooted on one spot. i don't know what we each were thinking, or what we each were praying, but there we were: all in a row, all there together.

(every day here, every minute gives a new meaning to "together.")

and then, we stood, walked to the back, one by one. never rushing, always slow-- as things always are in the grotto. we held hands in a circle and prayed out loud, and as our voices mingled in the cool night air i realized that it was the first time we had all prayed out loud together. and then we all hugged; some of us cried, some of us comforted. either way, there was something in the air that made my heart feel fit to burst-- i guess this is when i remember why i came here.

"where else can we do this?" someone asked. nobody knew the answer. i guess we never realize how lucky we are until nights like this. where else would we have been if we had not come here? who would we know? what would we do?

on a sunday night, april 21, at 12:25, i realized something: i never would have known it and i never could have guessed it, but for me, it could never have been anywhere else but here.

what made us think that we were wise

sleepless nights and tired eyes are catching up with me. listening to songs with notes that tug at the heartstrings, over and over until they play by themselves in my mind. too much work, too little time. too many silences and too many headaches. sometimes i wish i could strangle you with my bare hands (except i would never really wish that, never ever). head in my hands, hands on my arms, arms on my elbows, elbows on my desk-- i'm like a statue that only moves when you're not looking. burnt bulbs and darkened rooms make the inside no more inviting than the cold outside. it's the middle of april but it still doesn't feel like the spring. it's cold in my hallway and it's cold in my heart. i layer on the sweatshirts but nothing seems to warm me up. it feels like nowhere is safe anymore. i just keep waiting for the sun to come out tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow-- but that tomorrow never really comes.

this life is too bittersweet.

it's times like these that i wish more and more that i could go back to rome.

i'm sick of the fights, i'm sick of yelling, i'm sick of silence, i'm sick of unspoken conflict, i'm sick of it all. i can't deal with this anymore, and i don't want to.

i wish i was stronger than this.

how's it going to be

you never think it'll happen to you. it's always just a news story, somebody from your city, a friend of a friend of a friend (if even that). you never think it'll happen to someone you know, much less a friend-- and then it does, and you can't quite believe it.

in this world of technology, where news travels so far and so fast, it's so hard to believe that she's really gone. her facebook is still there. her cell phone probably still rings. i know people that saw her yesterday. i remember reading 'walk two moons' and sal talked about how the rabbit was alive, and then it wasn't-- but that's how it is, really. one moment you're alive, and the next it's over. just like that. she probably didn't know it was coming until it hit her. what do you think when something like that happens? what do you do? what do you feel?

this night, these past hours have been a flood of calls and texts and silences and i'm-in-shocks and i-don't-knows, the same words repeated over and over and over. i called up people i haven't talked to in months. it's really quite extraordinary how it takes tragedies to bring people together-- but in a way, maybe that just shows our innate characteristics as humans: we don't abandon each other when we need it the most.

her face is burned into my memory. slide shows of events and places and people are clicking through my mind, never ceasing. i remember all the little things, the stupid things, the funny things. we were never as close as she was with my other friends, but she was my friend nonetheless. i had lunch with her. we talked about our problems. i sat on her couch and watched 'footloose.' she signed my yearbook, and if i turned to that page it would still be there, light blue ink shining like the ocean.

it's just heartbreaking, really.

rest in peace, carmencita peterson. you are already so very missed.

so much worse than anything i could bring myself to do

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

that is all.

you clicked your heels and wished for me

I just got a Facebook message from Dan and reading that really made me miss my friends from home even more. It's always very interesting to go home and see my friends and realize how different my friendships here are from my friendships there.

Like, I'm really close to people here, and it's cool because we've gotten really close in a really short period of time. However, the fact remains that I've known my friends from home significantly longer, and I only really realize it when I go back and see them for the first time in [insert time length here]. With the kids back home--Sandy, Kaitie, Dan, Joey, Bryan, Austin--we're so comfortable with each other ... we know all there is to know about each other and it's just a very intimate setting. A lot of my friends back home are kind of touchy-feely, too, so there's a lot of hugging and poking and dogpiling and stuff like that. And it's not weird, because it doesn't mean anything other than really close friendship.

Here, there's not that much of a physical element, it's more the fact that we've been through a lot of big stuff together and since we all live together, we've all had to deal with it more than we would have to at home, you know? So it's a really close friendship, too, but just in a different way.

In completely unrelated news, I wrote one of the most depressing pieces of writing I've written in a WHILE. I was listening to Panic at the Disco's new album (which is surprisingly good, btw), and there was this melancholy song called Northern Downpour that a) I really liked and b) made me REALLY want to write. So I did. It's kind of in the vein of a lot of the stories from my old bandslash days (oh man...), because it's about two guys in a band who basically stop being friends. And it's just ... sad. But I like it. I dunno. Posting it here because I've posted a lot of writerly stuff here before:

it's sad when you know it's ending, when you know it's spiraling downwards and all you can do is watch it fall.

slow piano music and softly strumming guitars haunt your dreams, consume your thoughts. if you could set a soundtrack to your life, this would be it. the clock changes; it's 5am. you've kept yourself up again without knowing, and the morning light starts to break out over the horizon. you stand at the window with a mug of cold tea you're not really drinking, looking for something you know you won't see.

you sit back on the bed, onto the sheets wrinkled by constant tossing and turning. you're in a limbo of sorts these days, unable to go back and unable to move forward. he left and it broke your heart; you've been together through thick and thin, and now he's like sand trickling through the cracks in the woodwork. you had leaned your head into the crook of his neck as you slept on the bus, streetlights passing over you; he had come to you first when she left him, and he had tried not to cry but failed. you were the only one that had seen.

it was just like that, and everything in between meant something too-- from the dumbest practical joke to every stage you played on. and then, just like that, something changed. you're not sure when it happened, or why, but it all turned sour and all of a sudden, there was yelling, so much yelling, all the time. and then one night he grabbed his guitar and his duffel bag and stormed out the door, tossing a "fine" over his shoulder like a punctuation mark.

he hasn't been back since.