i got this feeling on a summer day

i haven't written about pensacola.

i haven't written about pensacola because i never thought i would be missing it. i never thought i'd look back on that year and a half with nostalgia, that i'd miss familiar hangouts and stupid silly nights and days that seemed insignificant at the time. i knew i'd miss some people, but not with the sharp pangs that are usually reserved for things like notre dame and london.

i haven't written about pensacola, because in my head it somehow feels like we haven't really left. leaving college and leaving london were final because we all left at once; the places couldn't be the same, even if we went back. but pensacola goes on without us; our friends are still there, business as usual, and we were the ones who were airlifted out and dropped here in the wide expanse of texas. sometimes it's hard to watch life go on without you.

i haven't written about pensacola because i never thought i'd sit on my couch longing for a night out on the one main street, or an overpriced sugary drink at a beach bar, or wanting one more float down the river (well, okay, i did think of that one).

i haven't written about pensacola because part of pensacola was really hard. part of pensacola was crying myself to sleep and feeling insecure about making friends and missing everyone and everything. but part of pensacola was also pulling myself out of that rut, with the help of jeff and old friends and new friends and family and music that felt like it was made for me at just the right time.

i haven't written about pensacola because a part of me wants to keep it close to my heart, and i fear that if i let it out that'll mean that it's really over, that i've left it behind for good.

i haven't written about pensacola because i haven't been able to find the words to say that a place i thought we'd just be passing through ended up being just as important as the ones i hold most dear.