being back here is indescribable in so many ways. i love being back with my friends, new and old. i love the 3W girls and how we're there for each other no matter what and i love my london friends and how we've actually, you know, stayed friends despite being thrown back here partially against our will-- we're doing okay. i went to a basketball game yesterday and even though we lost, i realized how much i really did miss doing the cheers and hoping, wishing, praying, believing in my team. i missed notre dame, because it is comfortable and it has always been home for me.
and still--
3W is straining under the pressure of trying to keep everything balanced. every day i feel like as i gain something, i lose something else. my relationship is straining under the pressure of how i've changed. i miss being able to dictate my own life without thinking about it in correlation with someone else's. which, i guess, is a bit selfish of me, but sometimes i miss making my own decisions and not having to disappoint anyone with my choice of plans for the night. i miss bumming around in flat 7 and being "one of the guys." i never see brian or will anymore, i see matt and dan sometimes on the weekends, evan is always with theresa, and shea is ... well, you know shea. i miss just having a group of guys i can hang out with in my sweats and not worry about anything.
which, again, is pretty selfish of me but hey. i feel like i keep going from one extreme to the other.
i miss seeing michelle every day and i miss our heart to hearts and i miss FG and i miss walking to the globe with kate and i miss breakfast & the LC on mondays with shea and i miss actually being able to go out to actual places and i miss being able to wander around in the freaking city of london and i miss the tube and i miss the bus and i miss looking out my window and seeing st. paul's and the betsey and i miss going out for a pint at exmouth and i miss gill's class and i miss caffe canova and their two-pound soup and i miss our jetset weekends and i miss our fall break shenanigans and i miss walking home through trafalgar square in the dark and i miss the self-checkout at tesco and i miss everything that i know i can never have again, never ever.
i've been trying so hard to be optimistic but i feel like i'm allowed my little missing-london jag every once in a while. sometimes i just need to complain and let it out and this is one of those times.
ahhhhhhh i am so messed up.
