stuck on a little hot mess

i miss london so much it aches. i didn't know it was possible to miss it so much.

being back here is indescribable in so many ways. i love being back with my friends, new and old. i love the 3W girls and how we're there for each other no matter what and i love my london friends and how we've actually, you know, stayed friends despite being thrown back here partially against our will-- we're doing okay. i went to a basketball game yesterday and even though we lost, i realized how much i really did miss doing the cheers and hoping, wishing, praying, believing in my team. i missed notre dame, because it is comfortable and it has always been home for me.

and still--

3W is straining under the pressure of trying to keep everything balanced. every day i feel like as i gain something, i lose something else. my relationship is straining under the pressure of how i've changed. i miss being able to dictate my own life without thinking about it in correlation with someone else's. which, i guess, is a bit selfish of me, but sometimes i miss making my own decisions and not having to disappoint anyone with my choice of plans for the night. i miss bumming around in flat 7 and being "one of the guys." i never see brian or will anymore, i see matt and dan sometimes on the weekends, evan is always with theresa, and shea is ... well, you know shea. i miss just having a group of guys i can hang out with in my sweats and not worry about anything.

which, again, is pretty selfish of me but hey. i feel like i keep going from one extreme to the other.

i miss seeing michelle every day and i miss our heart to hearts and i miss FG and i miss walking to the globe with kate and i miss breakfast & the LC on mondays with shea and i miss actually being able to go out to actual places and i miss being able to wander around in the freaking city of london and i miss the tube and i miss the bus and i miss looking out my window and seeing st. paul's and the betsey and i miss going out for a pint at exmouth and i miss gill's class and i miss caffe canova and their two-pound soup and i miss our jetset weekends and i miss our fall break shenanigans and i miss walking home through trafalgar square in the dark and i miss the self-checkout at tesco and i miss everything that i know i can never have again, never ever.

i've been trying so hard to be optimistic but i feel like i'm allowed my little missing-london jag every once in a while. sometimes i just need to complain and let it out and this is one of those times.

ahhhhhhh i am so messed up.

her hair was black and her eyes were blue

i find myself reciting shakespeare in the shower. my heart leaps whenever i catch a glimpse of london in a movie scene. i keep myself busy but when i'm free all i do is look at pictures, pictures, pictures with wistful longing. i listen to long division and cath and galway girl and fix you and mr. brightside on repeat and if i close my eyes, it's almost like i'm back in flat 8, nutella jar of wine in hand, ready for where the night will take us.

i miss it too much.

how can i move on if i'm still in love with you

this is both harder and easier than i thought it would be.

i miss london with more of me than i ever thought i could. i close my eyes and i see the south bank, the view from millenium bridge, the globe, the LC, kamen and minerva, farringdon grill, exmouth, everything. i woke up at cami's house the other morning and in the sleepy half-light i thought i was back in my room in flat 13. i've been busy busy busy with friends packing flights family eating beach family reading music family eating; but at times like this, when i have a moment to just breathe, all i can do is stare at facebook and listen to death cab and galway girl and think about what i left behind.

and it's not like i'm sad about going back, either. i'm more than excited to be back at notre dame, to not have to worry about cooking anymore and living with three of my best friends and being close to the people i love and seeing my abroad friends and reunions and JPW and all the usual ND stuff. i missed it, believe it or not. but the difference is that i'll be back to notre dame, at least for a year and a half (!!!) more. i'll never be back to london-- well, i'm sure i'll be back someday, but it won't be the same london, won't be the same people, won't be the same thing ever again. never ever. and maybe that's a good thing, because we lived it up so much for that very reason; but at the same time it's a terrible and awful thing because it's a little pocket of time that we can never do again, that we'll only get back reprocessed through pictures and memories and "hey, remember when..."s.

life splits the moment you are born and it never stops splitting, never, not until you die and all the loose ends are tied up and you are finally, blissfully happy, everything in its right place at the right time, all at once. but until then, you (or maybe it's just me) will always be missing something, no matter where you are or how hard you try. sometimes you just can't deny these things.

and i don't know where to look

the last reason to make this last for as long as i could
the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me
to look past everything i had ever learned


i am in such a weird state of mind. on one hand, i feel more like myself than i ever have; on the other, i am wondering who this girl really is. my heart lies in so many places and i'm getting them all muddled and mixed-up and i'm not really sure what to do.

now i'm trying to get back

sometimes i guess i say things that don't really matter that i don't really mean. i don't want everyone to worry about me; everyone has their rough spots. i'll make it through okay.

we're past the halfway point. i came here scared to get lost in london; now i'm afraid that i'll be lost without london. what will i do without farringdon grill or flat 7 at 3am? what will i do without passing the NCP sign or hairspray or the national gallery every day? what will i do without the green couches in the JCR or cafe canova or middle school lunchtime at noon? what will i do without fall break dinners or exmouth arms or monday morning eggs in a basket? all these things that have become normal life for me will all be gone in six weeks time. six weeks. what am i going to do?

i'll go from city to suburbs, from one group of friends to a thousand splinters and connections and confusion. we say we'll hang out but who knows how much we will? we're all leaving something behind here, but we all have something to go back to. and for once in my life, i'm slightly dreading it.

it's just ... what really made london so amazing for me was the people. my friends. and i don't know what i'm going to do without that.

let my love loose again

let's hear it for america's sweethearts; i must confess, i'm in love with my own sins.




confused confused confused. eight of the best days of my life with nine of the best people in my life. plane rides, train rides, bus rides. heads on shoulders. drunken hugs. kings in every city; kings of every city. snowy mountains; sunny beaches. "leave me breathless." nicknames. eighty cent gelato and four dollar hot dogs. crunchy musli that lasted us through every city. "i want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life." zip zap boing, shoulders, spin the bottle. never have i ever run out of never have i evers. more than friends, not quite siblings. "dude, you made out with your SISTER!" listening to scotty doesn't know every single day. "heeeell yeah!" sleeping until 6pm. drinking on the dock. screaming our hearts out at jealous midwestern public school kids. love love love. best fall break ever.





i hate how much i love you. it's over for real this time, and i know i shouldn't still care, but i do, i do, i do. it's so unfair. you turned my life upside down and then left me here, lost. i shouldn't still care but i can't help it, you've seeped into my pores and no matter how much i scrub at my skin, i just can't wash you away.

this gift is my curse for now

i have a feeling that nothing is ever going to be the same after london ... both in a good and a bad way. it's going to be so, well, weird having to integrate my london life back into my ND life back into my home life ... next semester is going to be an interesting one.

i've met so many people that, in normal circumstances, i never would have even thought twice about talking to, just because i already had my friends and i didn't have to. i've made friends with an awesome group of guys, which i have seriously missed SO much because almost all of my ND friends are girls. which is fine, but it's just ... different.

i've met three people who, if we had all met at the same time at the beginning of freshman year, would seriously be my best friends. we're already so close and we've known each other for a little over a month ... seriously, sometimes i think my favorite part of london is the people. i absolutely love these kids and am so glad we became friends.

i have discovered that i'm a city girl at heart. it's something i've always known but haven't been able to prove; but i absolutely LOVE living in a city. there's just something about walking down the street knowing exactly where you're going, hopping on and off public transportation, people watching, wandering down random tiny streets, the food, the sights, the history-- i am in my element. i have so much to write about and so little time, or space, or ink ... this city inspires me to be independent, to be me, to do what i know i was born to do.

oh london town. one day i will have to leave you, but you will never leave me.