one night to speed up truth

today i realized that it is going to end.

molly always asks us if we've come to terms with the end. everyone usually responds with something like, "it'll be bittersweet," or "i'm excited, but kind of sad," or anything within that range. "no," molly always says, "not how you feel about it. i want to know if you have come to terms with the fact that graduation is actually happening, that this is all actually going to end."

and we chat about it, and muse about it, and everyone always says that it feels pretty surreal, that they don't know it yet.

but today, i realized that it is actually happening. in less than two months, it is going to end.

and i'm not sure i'm as ready for it as i think i've been.

graduating from the university of notre dame is completely different from eighth grade or high school graduation in almost every way. college is different because it is not only school, it is not only friends: it is a way of life. for four years, you eat, sleep and breathe college. i have spent more time in south bend in the past three and a half years than i have at my own home. notre dame, indiana became my home. i look back at myself as a freshman, and then look at myself now. i'm older, poorer, happier. i have felt things i didn't really know i could feel. i have done things i never really thought i would do. i have been at low points and high points. i have seen so much of the world and so much of who people really are. it's cliche, but i've learned just as much (if not more) outside the classrooms than in.

and still - this is a school. i got what i came here for: academic knowledge. true, i have had my fair share of classes i could care less about, but the ones that have made a difference were worth every penny my parents have spent. i have gone from a girl who likes books, to one who understands them. i have gone from a girl who likes writing, to a writer. i have figured out what i spent all of my confused high school years searching for: who i am. i don't feel lost anymore, at least not in that department, because i feel like for the first time in my life i really know.

i've learned what it's like to love. i've learned what it's like to truly appreciate your family. i've learned the meaning of keeping in touch. i've learned that you don't let the people that matter slip away that easily. i've learned that you can think something is love when really, you have no idea. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart bursting with happiness. i've learned what it's like to feel your heart break with sadness. i've learned what it's like to be a part of something bigger than you. i've learned the meaning of loyalty.

i've learned what it's like to lose a friend. i've learned that those who are there for you are more valuable than anything in the world. i've learned that the people who don't care are not worth your time. i've learned that faith is a choice, and that it is a choice i want to make. i've learned that the spring is that much better when you've gone through the winter. i've learned that life goes on and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it.

maybe the biggest thing i've learned is that we may feel like we're not ready for the next part of our lives, whatever it may be: new home, new school, new friends, new lovers, new anything. and it's always going to be a little scary and a little exciting to leave the old behind for the new. but anyways - the biggest thing i've learned is that we're all going to be okay. no matter how bad we think it is...we'll make it through. the test will be over. your heart will mend. you'll be home soon. you'll be back soon enough.

which brings me back to the beginning: it's going to end. and i'm not going to lie, i'm scared out of my mind. how can i leave this place so soon? this place that has held so much magic for me. i've lived through a lot of firsts and lasts here. there are times when i'm still in awe of how the dome can still shine even on the dreariest day. there are times when the sun is setting and the sky over south quad is still breathtaking. there are times when i know i will miss life chats that go on and on forever. there are times when i will miss every single little thing about this place and i will not know what to do with myself.

and then, then it'll be time to take my own advice: it will be okay. life goes on. i'm gonna miss this place to death...but at least i loved it enough to miss it that much.

they say bad things happen for a reason

if it weren't for my broken leg i'd be the happiest girl in the world. but if it weren't for you i would be the saddest, and to not be the saddest is all i can ask for.

don't let me give up on you

when everything's a white curtain you're not really sure where to go. laugh loudly and suffer quietly. shake the sand out of your hair let the sun burn your skin but in the end everyone always has to leave. sometimes i don't know what i'm really writing about anymore. all i want to do is go back to those places where i belonged: across the quad, across the country, across the sea. anywhere but here. these four walls close in too fast and the door is covered by a white curtain that just won't flutter aside. i'm screaming about broken things and hitting the keys on the keyboard like i'm playing my heart on the piano. take me back to the summer where all we had to do was drink beer and watch fireflies. now it's cold and i can't run around anymore but we're still happy, right? i still know how to be happy, right? everyone's a mess every once in a while, right? all i ask is that you don't let me give up on me. don't let me give up on you.

they say bad things happen for a reason

how does it feel?

impact. lights. blind blinder blinding.
it's numb. there's no pain.
nothing but the odd realization that your plans for the night/week/month/year have instantly changed.

there's no reason to cry. why would you cry when you feel no pain?

you whimper and you ask for the only people you want to see. other people come anyways. they put your neck in a brace and cut your clothes off and put an IV in your arm even though you've been afraid of IV's ever since you've known what they were. they ask for a number one through ten even though you're no good at gauging ballpark figures. you're inside an ambulance and you think ah, that's what they look like on the inside. you feel like you're floating above yourself, watching. your leg is at an uncomfortable angle and you're horrified to find that you can't move it to make it comfortable. you start crying when you realize you're going to miss the football game. you cry more when you realize you're going to miss the rest of the season.

you go into surgery and are so tired afterwards that you can't even stay awake to watch the game you cried over.

you spend an excruciating helpless horrible month and a half in a wheelchair and shower every other day in a little room all the way across campus. you eat less because your stomach shrinks since you're not using up the same amount of energy that you did when you could walk.

four months later you sit, one leg well and the other leg in a state of infuriating limbo. you still haven't walked. you almost don't remember what it's like so you bring to mind memories like the way cobblestones feel when you run over them, how your foot feels when you stamp your foot in a sandal, the way new grass tickles when you run through it. you reassure yourself that you remember, you remember, you remember.

you make fists and cry and furiously type out your frustrations every so often. people feel sorry for you and let you go into the elevator first. people call you a trooper when they see you out at a bar. people see you on your little university provided scooter and say things like i wish i broke my leg so i could get one of those. you want to punch those people the only thing they don't know is that you'd give anything to be unnoticed, to be just like everyone else, to walk as slow as everyone else. they don't have to deal with this crap along with everything else a normal college student normally does. yeah, it could be worse. but it doesn't matter because when it comes down to it, it still sucks.

you try and try to be as positive as everyone says you are, but it's hard when all you want to do is build a time machine to tell yourself not to cross the street. you're about to crack. everyone's patience runs out eventually. they tell you everything is possible, but for you it's all just out of reach, and you don't know the next time it will be.

so for now all you can do is wring your hands, smile, nod, shrug, and say it's coming along. because there's nothing else you can do if you want to keep yourself sane.

the whispers that it won't last

things i want need to do when i go back to london:

- greenwich/prime meridian
- BRITISH LIBRARY (how could i be so stupid???)
- re-do british museum
- go inside westminster abbey
- high tea at harrod's (or, if i'm poor, somewhere less expensive HA)
- buy something completely useless at the notting hill market
- go to world's end pub in camden
- BRICK LANE. INDIAN FOOD. 'nuff said.
- see romeo and juliet in the globe (this would really be circumstantial...but wouldn't it be AWESOME?!)
- re-do tower of london (it's been too long)
- go back to dovetail, jerusalem tavern, cheshire cheese, roadhouse, the zoo, o'neill's, exmouth...
- thoroughly explore regent's park
- actually go to gordon's wine bar
- REUNITE WITH CAFE CANOVA AND IT'S AMAZING TOMATO SOUP AND BAGUETTE GAHHHH
- stock up on chocolate/caramel digestives, hobnobs, those awesome crackers, bourbon cream cookies, custard cream cookies, those smoothie drink things, weird flavored potato chips, and CADBURY
- actually go to the icebar
- hampstead heath
- see phantom of the opera
- see les miz (again)

- to be continued...

taking a mental picture of you now

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life



take me back there. this city is in my bones and i can't get it out. <3

speeding so fast it felt like i was drunk

and even when i'm mad at you i can't help but love your stupid, stupid face. it's so not fair. and it's all your fault.